Understanding

I don't think I understood just how much the title of my blog as a whole would come to represent the life I've been living this past year. I read back to my last two blog posts - one just before losing my job of 5.5 years, one just after starting a new one, and now, I write three months into another different job - and as a married woman.

 A lot has changed.

 I have changed.

 After leaving my first full time ministry job, I began a temporary job at a youth detention facility - as a paraprofessional for a 9th grade boy with autism. I'd never before worked so closely with someone with a disability, but in a crash course of sorts and working under a great mentor and now friend, I spent three months amongst teenagers ranging in age from 14-18, mostly boys, who had found their way into the facility for reasons ranging from underage smoking to assault and theft. It was exciting and difficult and rewarding - and those three months were full of their own adventures - the facility undergoing inspection, the boy I worked with having a seizure, and the ongoing turnover of students. I came to care for a number of them - but all the while missing one thing - the deeper connections I was able to have with the students when I worked at a church.

 We could certainly develop working relationships with the students - after all, it is difficult to work with a youth if you don't take time to get to know and understand them - but since I was only around during the school day - I didn't have much time to shoot the breeze and talk with the boys there. I missed the connections I had with so many of the youth in my previous church. I was at the facility for just over three months, my last day at the beginning of June, just two weeks before my wedding. It was bittersweet, as I struggled often with my coworkers and their practices, but I had begun to appreciate the great struggles that so many of the youth faced and developed a different understanding of hardship and overcoming it.

 During those same three months, I had volunteered a few times with the youth ministry at the church I had started attending with my then fiance and his family, and I was encouraged to submit a resume, as they were currently in a search for a new youth pastor (yes, pastor - though I'm not ordained, the terminology works a bit different in the Covenant church...). A week before my wedding, I was asked to interview at that same church - and then, I waited. I got married, went on my honeymoon (in Duluth, during the flood), and came back, and waited. Now don't get me wrong, I was actually really enjoying being a housewife, taking care of my new home, cooking, all the good stuff. It was great to be able to bless my husband in that way - he works hard - but I knew I couldn't handle being home all the time - and having a second paycheck was a nice thought. I started looking at other ideas for jobs, but largely, I was waiting to hear back from the church.

 Then, about mid July, after a night of kayaking with some friends, and I got a phone call from the pastor, telling me they were putting my name forward for consideration, but that ultimately, I would have to go before the congregation as a whole to give my testimony and then submit to a question and answer time. Their vote would determine whether I would be called or not. It was daunting - and I spent a lot of time worrying before that Sunday morning. I knew the congregation, and many of the people in it, as I had been attending, playing in the praise band, and working with the youth. I also spent a lot of time in prayer and consideration. It is, in my opinion, much more difficult to go before a group of people you know than it is a group of people you don't know - after all - if you don't know them, and things don't go well, you don't have to show up again next Sunday. Here, I would.

 Preparing for and then diving into the morning was challenging, but good for me. It gave me a chance to put words to my faith story, and gave me a chance to give my life a voice. It was challenging, because as is true with any congregation and any issue, some topics and thoughts can arise that not everyone will agree upon. It went well, and I was dismissed as they voted - and I waited downstairs until someone came down, telling me, with a hug, that I'd been unanimously called as the new youth pastor. It has been incredible, challenging, daunting, difficult, joyful, wonderful, and everything in-between. I was handed an inspirational and diverse group of youth, one that challenges me, builds me up, and inspires me.

 I am challenged by a new congregation and a new denomination, a new way of worshipping and a different church family. I find myself missing my congregants and some of my old ministry often, but I also find myself growing in my faith that had become stagnant and neglected at times in my old ministry amongst the struggles there. I am blessed by my youth, people who support me, and my husband who seems to take all of my roller coaster of emotions and excitement and conflict in stride.

 I write this latest 'update' wondering what will be going on in my life the next time I look back - feeling settled for the moment, but knowing that all it takes is one shake of the box of puzzle pieces to upset the order, one shake of the Etch a Sketch to erase what once was, one tug on the edge of the Lite Brite paper to undo the glowing image. I am excited though, knowing I have people who support me, and knowing I have a God who leads me, even when I don't know where I am going next.