Retracing My Steps...and Trying to Jog My Memory - - -

It has been a long few weeks.

Not necessarily bad, or difficult, just long - a lot has happened. Some significant, some insignificant. Mostly good, I'd even venture to say...

Life is made up of hundreds of thousands of tiny mosaic pieces. I had a friend who referred to it as a patchwork quilt - I could agree with that too (my life would definitely be one of those crazy quilts with the random shaped pieces...no neat little boxes here!). Or perhaps it's more like a paint by number - each piece being filled in by a certain feeling, action, person, or whatever.


But I digress.

There have been so many things I intended to blog about...and each day I thought I'd jot some things down, one thing led to another, and I either forgot or simply decided not to...and now I can't even remember what it was I wanted to write about. It's sad, really, I had some good thoughts going. But, just like when I don't write appointments in my calendar or put that post it note where I can see it...things get forgotten.

Three weeks ago, I made a presentation for a Kiwanis meeting, went to two out of town meetings in different places in one day, and spent part of the weekend hanging out with a band called Silverline that came to participate in a weekend event over at the Methodist Church. It was a crazy week, but one that gave me a chance to just be random - it's nice every now and again.

Two weekends ago, I took some kids out to an apple orchard to make scarecrows and just spend the afternoon having fun. It was great, really - our little caravan headed out to the country, and somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 or 30 folks joined us for the event. I got to see my pastor's kids and parents - it was fun to spend some time with them also.

The week that followed contained an unpracticed worship session (which came off way better than some of the ones I've been a part of that have been rehearsed - chalk it up to talented musicians), a devotion for staff meeting (incidentally, one that talked about the very same thing I touched on above - about many pieces coming together), a bible study leader meeting, Homecoming, running cars back and forth, and schedules that flip flopped and flip flopped some more. I think my plans for Saturday changed four times before I finally figured out exactly what I was doing, and the end result was a great one. I got to spend some time with my favorite kids on Friday night - It was just an...I don't know...just a good weekend. :)

Sunday brought a benefit for some members of the church who lost their father/husband to cancer caused by Agent Orange about a year ago. The attendance and help was great - I think they raised at least $6k. Then, this week has been sorta random also...time spent with old friends, new friends, even time spent with old friends in new ways. This afternoon I leave with some kids to go to Minneapolis for a girl's conference this weekend, and before that - Terry's in town - and is coming to visit us Grace folks for a bit. And, next week - I get to be on the work crew for Extreme Makeover - Home Edition!! They're coming to rural Albert Lea - so exciting!!

Alright...enough with synopsis of my life...perhaps having done this will help me to remember some of the other things I wanted to journal about... sigh. :)

Not for Lack of Trying - - -

I haven't posted in over a week - and it's mostly because fall has reared its head. Confirmation started this week, and this weekend I had services with my mission trip kids. It was a full week - and my mind felt like it was going 20 different directions at once. I had so much running through my mind that at times, I had to ask people to repeat themselves because I couldn't hear them over my internal monologue. Teen CBS had its first official meeting last Monday, and I am still working on putting together the final pieces of a band. We play on the 22nd. :)

This week is just as crazy...although in a different way. Council on Tuesday night, 6:30am presentation and 7:30am meeting on Wednesday plus Confirmation and everything else, meeting in Byron and meeting in Owatonna on Thursday, football game and weekend event Friday night thru Sunday, rounding out with an afternoon at an apple orchard Sunday afternoon. Despite all of that, I feel like I'm starting to get a handle on the fall schedule, slowly but surely.

I got a chance to go on a long bike ride with my crew on Saturday morning in the rain. We rode to Ceylon and back - took us about two and a half hours. We were soaked by the time we got to Ceylon...but luckily it was warm enough that it didn't matter. No lack of excitement during the trip...I was riding with one of the guys up ahead of the other three, and I had just commented that I was getting tired. Not two minutes later, we rode past a farm that had a german shepherd sitting in the yard, who, upon seeing us, started barking and running down the ditch. My friend said, 'You got anything left? Because you had better find some gas...' to which I replied that I thought he'd just run along with us in the ditch. No more did the words come out of my mouth and the dog started running up the slope and on to the road...after me. I took off like a shot...and after half a minute of chasing us, he finally backed off. I think he was a couple feet from me at one point. So, I learned that even when you're tired, you can still go real fast if you've got the right motivation.

Today, amidst all that was going on, was a lot of fun. Seeing and hearing the kids talk about the mission trip again, seeing kids around at church again, and thinking about the mission trip again...made me think.

When we take part in mission experiences, when we take time to get to know the stories of others, when we listen to the hearts of the people we encounter - we begin to put names with faces...and we can no longer claim ignorance about the situations that present themselves around us. We have to act...we need to act. By then, it's all we can do. ~

Backtracking - 8/28/08 - Life on the Rez - Day Six - - -

After one final stop at the coffee shop before we left, we packed up at the center and got ready to head out. Karen came in and out of the room a few times, handing out tokens of thanks to each of us as she came. I ended up with a beautiful bracelet made out of dyed porcupine quills - a perfect gift.

We said our goodbyes and prepared to leave, knowing that a piece of each of our hearts would indeed remain at the center long after we left. I belive we felt empowered, knowing that our work here was not really finished, and that each of us still had a responsibility to carry out what had been started.

It was a long drive home - spent thinking about all the events of the week.

I think Karen summed it up well:

"God's blessings abound - "God's work and our hands - pass them around and as God works through us, indeed our hearts and minds are renewed and we are transformed. Thank you for sharing your hearts and minds with ust at Pine Ridge - take a piece of ours with you as you continue your life of giving and sharing with others. Blessings, Pastor Karen."

God bless our "broken" hearts.

Backtracking - 8/27/08 - Life on the Rez - Day Five - - -

Wednesday - and our last day at the work site. We went to bed the night before excited, because we thought we were going to be able to bring our lunches to the work site, and have more time there to work. Turns out that we had lunch plans again, but either way, we were going to make the morning worthwhile. After a stop at the Sioux Nation to pick up a few final supplies (including a speaker for music!), we headed out to the church. My job for the day was to help paint the door that led to the storm shelter. Tina painted a base coat of primer on the door, and then I started work painting a medicine wheel design on the door. After realizing that I'd picked up two red cans of paint and no yellow, I phoned a very broken call in to Barry to pick up some yellow. After goofing a couple times, I got the design laid out on the door, and finished the work. Two of the guys spent the morning picking up a trailer and a skid loader so that we could dig a hole to pour a cement pad for the ramp, and also, to put the bell back up on its stand.

Replacing the bell turned out to be one of the most powerful things that happened that day. After working to get the braces set, we picked up the bell with the skid loader and hoisted it up, lined up the notches for it to sit in, and jostled it into place. We got the clapper straight, and pulled the string, and the bell sounded loud and clear across the plains once again. Tina remarked that she got chills seeing it drop into place, and I get chills as I type this now. It seemed to mark the culmination of our week, a group effort to do something that would somehow make a difference, no matter how small.

We got back that afternoon and ended up doing lunch ourselves, and even having a break before the kids arrived. We got to play with them one last time before we would leave, and then sat together with them for a worship service. It was such a wonderful experience to see them worshipping together, and even getting into the worship as they helped to lead it. We then ate with them, which also turned out to be one of the most memorable nights of the week, when I was put in my place by a seven year old that told me I had "fat legs full of hotdogs." Oh Stefani...

After supper, we drove out to a farm, where the grandfather of a couple of the kids raises buffalo. We hopped into the safari bus, and bounced across the country side looking for the buffalo. When we did find them, these gentle giants ambled right up to the windows of the bus where we fed them out of our hands. Oh, what an AWESOME experience. We drove back as the sun was setting, where we then gathered outside the house, and smudged ourselves with sage smoke before we went in to see and hear about a white buffalo calf that had been born on the farm a number of years before. You can read the story here:

http://www.crystalinks.com/buffalocalfwoman.html

The story was amazing to hear from him - he was an incredible story teller.

We finally had a chance to do a talking circle that night, where we gathered together and shared stories and thoughts about our week on the Rez. Only one of us was allowed to talk at a time, and we shared our hearts together, and something stuck out as Karen talked - how the indians believe that as we share time with each other, a piece of their heart stays with us, and a piece of our heart goes with them. It is in this way that we are all "broken" - with pieced together hearts from those that we come into contact with throughout our lives. They are constantly being remade, and in a way, I think that often times, the pieces of our hearts that we give away are only partially ours - other bits that have been added to ours are given away as well.

It truly is God's work, and we are given the ability to use our hands to carry it out.

Backtracking - 8/26/08 - Life on the Rez - Day Four - - -

Tuesday started what felt like very early, and the guys in our work group had to go pick up some supplies, so after a quick breakfast, Tina and I took a walk down to Higher Ground - a local coffee shop. What greeted us there was awesome...it was like a little Italian villa tucked away in the Rez. It felt as if you were walking into another part of the world...and didn't feel at all like the area that surrounded it. Check it out here:

http://www.pineridgegospel.org/higherground/index.htm

After poring through the menu, we ordered our drinks and sat outside for a while, and I chatted about beginning ideas for a coffee shop that a friend and I have mused about trying to start in Fairmont.

It was a wonderful way to start the morning, and definitely not the last time we'd grace the doors of the shop. We came back and then loaded up to head out to the Church to do some more work for the day. We added the last few boards to the deck, and then after some coffee and cookies, we got to work putting together some of the pieces to repair the bell tower. I got an interesting bovine anatomy lesson through an old farm addage, and even though I wasn't sure I knew what I was doing, I tried my hand at making holes for the braces of the bell through some 4x4 pieces of lumber. Turns out I'm not exactly amazing at keeping the holes straight, but the bolts went in and held the braces just fine, thanks.

We finished up for the day and headed back, had lunch and headed over to Red Cloud School to learn about one of the Indian boarding schools in the area. We saw a beautiful chapel decorated with paintings from several artists of the stations of the cross. Larry, the former director of the Retreat Center came to supper that night and talked to us for a while...while we, exhausted from the week so far, struggled to stay awake, though what he was saying was fascinating. He discussed an ongoing effort to get a credit union established on the Reservation, something that would hopefully get some more money circulating in the reservation.

He spoke a lot about considering the attitudes we have when we encounter the things we do on the Reservation, and finished with a rendition of the story of the Feeding of the 5000 - encouraging us to consider that perhaps what was most important about the story was the effect the boy's gift had upon those who were present that day. Seeing the little boy give his simple offering may have been enough to spur others into giving what they could as well, taking one simple step and making something amazing possible.

The events from the week were starting to drain me - I was emotionally exhausted. I spent a lot of time trying to sort out in my head what had gone on, trying to figure out what I should be feeling as I encountered different situations. Seeing the kids grab for things whenever they got the chance and "taking advantage" of a system that is designed to get them the things they need and working to get just one more thing...is it a feeling of entitlement because that is how it has been, or is it a fear that they have to get everything they can because they don't know when the opportunity will arise again? Should we feel angry and defeated when we get stereotyped when we come into the Reservation because nothing seems to change when we leave again, or should we feel compelled to keep striving to find that one missing piece that will help things finally work together for change? I'm not sure there are specific answers for these questions, and if there are, I'm not sure I want them. Part of the mission experience that I find to be the most life changing is the discontent I feel when I go back home, not sure what to do with all that I have learned because I haven't really seen the whole picture.

I had a ping pong match with John, Tina, and Barry today, before the kids arrived. We laughed and gave each other grief, and had a blast. I love getting to know folks better, and so often these trips are about what we learn more than the actual work we have come to do, and about who we are with as we learn.

This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm...

What a difference a day makes - - -

I read through the first post I wrote on Tuesday before I got ready to write this one...three days later, and it is amazing all that has happened in the last few days. Oh, and I finally went to the doctor - two weeks and two prescriptions later - and a diagnosis of pink eye and a sinus infection. Whee.

Wednesday night was so great. There were meetings going on left and right and the bustle that is characteristic of Wednesday nights is starting to return. It's so nice to hear voices around the church besides those of the staff - I love it when the halls are full of folks milling around. Wednesday night marked the kickoff of the confirmation season - with confirmation orientation. We had a full house down in the Fellowship Hall, and it was fun to see some of the faces that I haven't seen much since last spring, as much because I have been gone so often as anything. Steve and I got through the nuts and bolts of the handbook and then I went to my post in the back by all of the sign-up sheets, and a barrage of questions greeted me, parents and kids asking left and right about all of the things that were going on. I was thrilled to watch a couple of the sheets fill to almost half full, and hear the chatter of kids telling friends to come with them to different events.

After that meeting was my second of the night...an information meeting about the ELCA National Gathering that is coming up in July 2009. Much to my surprise, there were a number of kids that stuck around, many of whom were 9th graders...and I was thrilled. The kids that were there seemed very excited about it, as did the parents that were with them. We went through all the details, and now it is just a matter of seeing how many responses I get back.

The icing on the cake occurred after the meeting as I was wrapping things up and chatting with one of the girls who really wanted to go, and her dad had told her that he would give her part of the money for the trip, but that if they went as a family to the Bahamas later that year, she wouldn't be able to come, that the Gathering would be her trip instead. She shrugged it off, saying, that's ok. I stopped and turned to her and her father and said, "You have no idea what it's like as a youth director to hear a kid say that..." to which her dad responded, yeah, she's been there before though, and I said that it didn't matter, that is still a big concession to make. I love it when kids get it...

Oh, and we are now full up for confirmation small group leaders...awesome. And we have an attendance caller too...

So, I went upstairs and hung out in the back of the end of choir practice and sat in on their prayers, and went home that night feeling like a million bucks. The last couple days have been spent taking care of the aftermath, filing away papers, getting things sorted and organized for the coming weeks, and trying to keep everything sorted out in my head. The fall is a busy one...but I can't wait. Little surprises are everywhere, and after a wonderful conversation this afternoon that put a few things into perspective, I feel like I'm really ready for it. After all, it is challenges that make us stronger, obstacles that evoke our creativity, and successes that we hold on to that help us get through the more difficult times.

On Christ alone, my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song...

Backtracking - 8/25/08 - Life on the Rez - Day Three - - -

Monday was our first real day of work - though the previous two days had already been incredibly eye opening experiences. We got up around the same time - about 7am, and ate breakfast and got ready. We headed out to Makasan to work on the ramp and deck outside the fellowship hall, and assessed what needed to be done over the course of the three days. After taking some time to look at the plans the other group had left us, we went to work finishing the deck, and I got to try my hand at the screw gun and helped put the tops and sides on the railings. It was Tina and I and the four guys plus Paul, Karen's husband. We finished all that we could that day, and needed to pick up supplies before we could finish the rest of the railings, and work on the bell tower also. Over the course of the morning, I got attacked by a mama bird when I was trying to take pictures of her babies, and also got to meet a rather large snake, at least four feet long, that decided to grace us with its presence when it surprised Barry and crawled out from under a couple boards that were laying on the ground.

That afternoon, we had lunch at a place called Bette's Kitchen, a little place out in the country that was a restaurant run out of a woman's house. We ordered our food and then headed outside, and drank in the landscape. It was beautiful - from our vantage point, you could really see why the area was called Pine Ridge. We ate our amazing lunch (and had some of the best chicken fried steak I've ever eaten), and then went for a quick hike up a little hill behind the restaurant and took some pictures.

After that, we headed back to the retreat center to get ready for the kids to come, and got ready to play. It was a blast hanging out with them - they were amazingly open to us as we played pool and foosball with them, played blocks, and Roger and John got taught how to use the Skip-It. We also met Delane NoNeck, a resident haunt of the retreat center that greeted all of us by checking our pulses and temperatures. Before we knew it, the kids were heading home, and we got ready for the evening, heading out to the 70's wounded knee site to meet Kelly Lookinghorse, our guide.

We got a briefing before entering the grounds, and then were each handed a pinch of tobacco for a small ceremony while we were inside. Kelly sang a song, and then he said a prayer and instructed us to raise our hands up to heaven, and then sprinkle the tobacco on the ground. We got a chance to look around the cemetary a bit, and then headed back to the retreat center for supper. It was an intense experience, and on the way back, we passed some more of the sunflower fields, and Barry mentioned that at some point, he felt like we needed to take a photo of me in one of them, and what better time than now? So, we pulled over on the side of the road, and spent some time taking photos in the field of sunflowers. It was great to lighten the mood a bit.

The evening was spent hearing stories from Kelly and his wife Susie - a mentally and emotionally exhausting evening. It was clear from his voice and his tone that he had not progressed as far as Will had in his healing - hints of bitterness and anger were frequent as he told his stories. He made comments about things like the fact that there was plenty of work to be done, and yet no jobs, that we as "white men" are enablers that come on to the reservation to save the sinners and feel closer to God. He even said at one point that he wants someone to tell him what he did wrong, so he can tell his grandkids why they had to suffer for so long.

The night was both frustrating and enlightening, and definitely made me think a lot. Some of the other folks on the trip were angry about what he had to say and took what he said with a grain of salt. What he said was difficult to hear - but after I heard him talk about how the indians stereotype the white people that come on to the reservations, it was also eye opening. It is a difficult thing to understand what it means to be stereotyped, especially when that isn't something that normally happens to us, or affects us much if it does happen. It it powerful to walk in someone elses shoes for a while, and to come to understand what it means to feel for a bit the way others do most of their lives.