It's a Great Big World...

I was reading one of the many ministry books I have currently collected and have yet to finish.  I was reading about high school seniors, thinking about the ones in my youth group, and thinking about their future plans.

None of the ones graduating this year are planning to go into ministry.  Sprinkled throughout are education plans, health care plans, and a couple others.

I've heard churches boast about the number of ministry leaders (including but not limited to pastors) that have come out of their churches - including my own.

I've heard the statistics about how many people are actually connected to a church, and even taking that a step further, how many 'church members' are actually regular attenders in the church they are connected with.

I hear people talk about relying on God to teach, heal, and guide us, some to the extreme that they prefer not to use medical professionals or rely on the help of churches who teach skewed theology.

But I read in the Bible that we have been given gifts of knowledge, teaching, healing, prophecy, miraculous powers, and speaking and interpreting tongues.

Those are humans who have been gifted by God.

To be doctors.

To be pastors.

To be teachers.

I believe gathering with other believers is needed.  I believe it is in community with others that we renew our purpose, find encouragement, realize we are not alone.  We can share burdens and hear stories of what God has done in the lives of others.

I believe there are times when God speaks to us directly, maybe even takes away our support systems so that we must rely only on God.

I believe (even as a youth pastor) that most of the ministry we do of spreading the gospel to those who don't believe or aren't sure of their faith happens outside of church building walls.

So, who is spreading the faith more?

Greater things...

I'm on my way through the book of John and stopped at a couple of verses I had underlined a previous time through the book.  Jesus is calling two of his disciples - Philip and Nathaniel.  Nathaniel, upon hearing about 'Jesus, son of Joseph,' says, 'Can anything good come out of Nazareth?'  Moments later, the same skeptical Nathaniel is gushing, because Jesus had seen him before Nathaniel even knew who Jesus was.  Jesus presses the question, 'Do you believe because I told you that I saw you under the fig tree?  You will see greater things than these.'

Greater things.  Makes me think of the song God of This City by Chris Tomlin.  He speaks of a God who is the light in the darkness, hope to the hopeless, peace to the restless.  Greater things are yet to come, the song echoes.

Sometimes, I wish they were here.  Now.  Evident powerfully amongst the pain.  There is so much I don't understand.  So much I wish I understood.  So much I wish I could do, and the knowledge that there is very little my own feeble power can do.

Two different conversations with two students in two weeks have broken my heart.  One is with a girl struggling to find her place in God's kingdom, another is with a boy who feels like he is falling apart, physically and mentally.  The girl lives in what seems like fear, in what seems like dependence on her own merit as she seeks her way into the will of God.  Her passion is fierce.  But something is missing.  The hope isn't there.  The boy is watching as parts of his body begin to fail, as doctors flounder to figure out what is happening to his body and mind.  His smile, when it peeks out, is dazzling.  But hope seems elusive as he struggles through the attempts of others to 'understand' what he knows they can't.

Greater things.  On Sunday morning as we prepped for leading worship, we sang the song 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman.  I got to this verse, and I nearly broke down in tears.

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore.

I don't know where the tears came from - but they resonate so well with these thoughts.  On top of that, we have been studying Job through a sermon series - and the conviction of Job's faith is spelled out in that third line - through all he had been through - 'still my soul will sing your praise unending...'

I pray for strength.  I pray for Job's conviction.   I pray that I might invite others to see Jesus.  I pray that God will help my unbelief.  I pray for the lives of this young man and woman and so many others that are hurting and seeking and crying out for hope and truth.

May we all find it in Jesus.

Today as I drove through the drive up at McDonalds to grab lunch on my way back to work, it was the first time I think I've ever had one of the attendants start a conversation with me.  It was short, it was pointed.  She relayed to me that they may have found one of the suspects for the bombing at the Boston Marathon on Monday.

"I hope they hang them." She said.

I hesitated, not liking the words, and finally said, "We need to pray for them."

I looked at her, gathered my money, and went to collect my food.

The conversation wasn't initiated by me, but I think may have been by one of the other customers.  The sentiment is a common one it seems - and it saddens me.  I live over 1400 miles away, and I didn't know anyone hurt or killed.  So maybe it's not fair of me to say that.

I came across something posted by a friend yesterday on facebook that was basically a string of twitter posts with varying slurs to the Muslim community, Koreans, and a few other ethnic groups speaking to all number of ways that those people were going to meet their death.

My heart breaks for that kind of hatred.  What will it gain?  Blaming them won't bring the lost back.  Blaming them isn't going to change what happened.  As a runner myself, preparing to run a half-marathon, I wonder at what it would be like to experience something like that.  I feel a camaraderie with other runners.  I still don't know what hating the bombers will do.  Instead...I think we should be praying for them.

We should pray for their hearts, for the hatred they have.  For the lives that caused the hatred.  For them to feel the same kind of love that now pours out to the victims of the bombing.  I don't know who did it.  Even when we do know - we won't know the person or people responsible - we won't know their hearts or their lives - all we know of them is that something in them led to an action that caused unspeakable pain to another.

I'm not condoning what they did.  We are all called to preserve life, not to take it.  Murder is horrific.  Murder causes incredible pain.  Murder erases a life in the blink of an eye.

It is painful to see the photos of the three lives that no longer exist - fellow runners who were led by passion, desire, the thirst to achieve - and those that loved the runners.  Pray for their families.  But don't stop there.  Pray for those that did it.  Pray for their hearts to change.  Pray for peace.

Tell me what I want...

I was trying to come up with some clever twist on the song 'Tell me what you want' as I debated what to call this particular posting.  The inspiration came from a question in a book I am currently reading, called 'Sticky Faith.'  The question was - 'When people decide to read a book, they are often trying to solve a problem.  What problem(s) are you hoping to address by reading this book?'

There were other questions posed too, but this one made me think about a question I've been getting asked a lot lately, and one that I've been either struggling to answer, or feeling like I've answered differently than I am actually feeling.  That question is, 'how are things going in your new ministry so far?'

Part of the reason I've been getting this question so much is that others are learning about my transition from one ministry in Fairmont (and one church in Fairmont) to another ministry and church in Fairmont.  Admittedly, things have been going pretty well, from a fairly basic standpoint.  I get along with most of the kids, I am learning how to do ministry in a new church, kids have been coming to the ministry I've been doing, and relationships are being developed.  So, good.

But what I've been struggling with is how 'good' is 'good?'  Am I simply existing in ministry?  Am I growing within the new ministry, or am I simply comparing what seems to be good here with some of the things that weren't as 'good' at my old ministry site?  What is my measure of success?  I think it is those questions that sometimes leave me feeling speechless.

Beginning a ministry in a new church in the same community as your old church is not something I would necessarily recommend.  There are some strange things that happen when you do.  First, you're still around your old students, some of whom are still mad/sad/disappointed/confused at why you left.  Second, you're around the new youth leader in your old church, who might feel awkward/threatened/confused around you.  (Incidentally, while I haven't spent a lot of time talking to her, I do consider myself to be on good terms with her and am doing my best to stay out of the way of her ministry.)  Third, if you were at all established in the community, some of the people in your new church will know you, if not well, at least by name or association, which means that they might already think or operate as if you know them, when in fact, you don't.  Part of this difficulty is my own fault, however, because knowing this, I need to be putting myself out there more and introducing myself to people that might know me, but I don't know them.  At least not well enough.  Fourth, because others have seen you in ministry before and believe you to be at least mostly competent in ministry (which I believe is true of me, as much as I can attest to it - I didn't say awesome at ministry, just competent), and sometimes don't tell you certain things because it is either assumed that you already know them or they just forget to tell you because you've been around in other capacities for a while.  (In addition, I have to be careful that I don't just 'carry on where I left off' in my old ministry - the students are different, the congregation is different, and while I am able, of course, to use some of the things I have developed before and transfer them here, I cannot necessarily use them in the same way.)  The list goes on, certainly, but these are the things that regularly come up in my mind.

I have been talking to different people during my time at my new church, some within the church, some not.  I have started getting to know the people, some of the leanings of the church body, some of the difficulties and struggles that are different and yet always present.  No church is perfect, no matter how much this seems to be true before you get involved.  I know this, but always have to relearn it.

I have been in conversation with both some students in the ministry and others at the church as well, and I know that if I want to continue to be able to answer others that ask this same question in a positive way, I have to have a way to know if I have been meeting my goals and the goals of others.   In addition, I need to be able to have a way to confidently say that I am working towards God's goals for ministry - that I am working to train kids as disciples and giving them ways to grow in their faith.  I need to fight off the desire to be comfortable and 'carry on' - something we talked about last week in our Sunday night youth group study.  I have to be comfortable striving for change, and I have to be faithful in carrying out the charge I have been given to teach and guide others in faith, spreading the Gospel 'to the ends of the earth.'

What am I hoping to get out of the book?  What problems am I hoping to address?  My own complacency (before it has a chance to set in), my desire to carry on the strong leadership and growth, and my desire to redevelop my definition of ministry in a new setting.  Have I done that?  Will I do that?  Time will tell.

Understanding

I don't think I understood just how much the title of my blog as a whole would come to represent the life I've been living this past year. I read back to my last two blog posts - one just before losing my job of 5.5 years, one just after starting a new one, and now, I write three months into another different job - and as a married woman.

 A lot has changed.

 I have changed.

 After leaving my first full time ministry job, I began a temporary job at a youth detention facility - as a paraprofessional for a 9th grade boy with autism. I'd never before worked so closely with someone with a disability, but in a crash course of sorts and working under a great mentor and now friend, I spent three months amongst teenagers ranging in age from 14-18, mostly boys, who had found their way into the facility for reasons ranging from underage smoking to assault and theft. It was exciting and difficult and rewarding - and those three months were full of their own adventures - the facility undergoing inspection, the boy I worked with having a seizure, and the ongoing turnover of students. I came to care for a number of them - but all the while missing one thing - the deeper connections I was able to have with the students when I worked at a church.

 We could certainly develop working relationships with the students - after all, it is difficult to work with a youth if you don't take time to get to know and understand them - but since I was only around during the school day - I didn't have much time to shoot the breeze and talk with the boys there. I missed the connections I had with so many of the youth in my previous church. I was at the facility for just over three months, my last day at the beginning of June, just two weeks before my wedding. It was bittersweet, as I struggled often with my coworkers and their practices, but I had begun to appreciate the great struggles that so many of the youth faced and developed a different understanding of hardship and overcoming it.

 During those same three months, I had volunteered a few times with the youth ministry at the church I had started attending with my then fiance and his family, and I was encouraged to submit a resume, as they were currently in a search for a new youth pastor (yes, pastor - though I'm not ordained, the terminology works a bit different in the Covenant church...). A week before my wedding, I was asked to interview at that same church - and then, I waited. I got married, went on my honeymoon (in Duluth, during the flood), and came back, and waited. Now don't get me wrong, I was actually really enjoying being a housewife, taking care of my new home, cooking, all the good stuff. It was great to be able to bless my husband in that way - he works hard - but I knew I couldn't handle being home all the time - and having a second paycheck was a nice thought. I started looking at other ideas for jobs, but largely, I was waiting to hear back from the church.

 Then, about mid July, after a night of kayaking with some friends, and I got a phone call from the pastor, telling me they were putting my name forward for consideration, but that ultimately, I would have to go before the congregation as a whole to give my testimony and then submit to a question and answer time. Their vote would determine whether I would be called or not. It was daunting - and I spent a lot of time worrying before that Sunday morning. I knew the congregation, and many of the people in it, as I had been attending, playing in the praise band, and working with the youth. I also spent a lot of time in prayer and consideration. It is, in my opinion, much more difficult to go before a group of people you know than it is a group of people you don't know - after all - if you don't know them, and things don't go well, you don't have to show up again next Sunday. Here, I would.

 Preparing for and then diving into the morning was challenging, but good for me. It gave me a chance to put words to my faith story, and gave me a chance to give my life a voice. It was challenging, because as is true with any congregation and any issue, some topics and thoughts can arise that not everyone will agree upon. It went well, and I was dismissed as they voted - and I waited downstairs until someone came down, telling me, with a hug, that I'd been unanimously called as the new youth pastor. It has been incredible, challenging, daunting, difficult, joyful, wonderful, and everything in-between. I was handed an inspirational and diverse group of youth, one that challenges me, builds me up, and inspires me.

 I am challenged by a new congregation and a new denomination, a new way of worshipping and a different church family. I find myself missing my congregants and some of my old ministry often, but I also find myself growing in my faith that had become stagnant and neglected at times in my old ministry amongst the struggles there. I am blessed by my youth, people who support me, and my husband who seems to take all of my roller coaster of emotions and excitement and conflict in stride.

 I write this latest 'update' wondering what will be going on in my life the next time I look back - feeling settled for the moment, but knowing that all it takes is one shake of the box of puzzle pieces to upset the order, one shake of the Etch a Sketch to erase what once was, one tug on the edge of the Lite Brite paper to undo the glowing image. I am excited though, knowing I have people who support me, and knowing I have a God who leads me, even when I don't know where I am going next.

Selah - Blessed.

Blessings come in many different forms. Some are obvious, some are not. Some come in the form of happy occurrences, others come in the form of heartbreak.

I sat in my office a little over a month ago while the council president informed me that I was being asked to resign. I sat in disbelief as the words hit me like an explosion. As I sat, she reassured me, saying more than once how she hoped in time that I could see the circumstance as a blessing - to see God's hand at work even in difficulty.

I sat again a few weeks later in my senior pastor's office as we did the exit interview, where a second member of the committee that had decided to let me go assured me of the same thing - that this was a blessing in disguise, one that would allow me to move on to new and better things that God had in store. He even had a personal anecdote that proved the point.

In this case, it may have been true, but based on the way that events took place, it sounded more like an excuse, one that let them make their decision with little or none of the responsibility of the consequences. Good things have happened since I've been gone from my former church. I would be lying if I said they had not. However, it has also been a crazy, trying experience, one that I have struggled with off and on as I try to figure out what comes next in life - as I prepare to get married, as I embark on new career paths and make choices about my future.

So many people have said, 'Oh, well at least now you have lots of time to get ready for your wedding!' Yeah, I guess you could look at it that way - but two things are wrong with that - one: it is tough to see unemployment as a break when you don't know where your next paycheck is going to come from - and two: my 'break' consisted of one week of looking for a job, interviewing, hoping, being disappointed, and then, a crazy whirlwind job offer that meant I started training for my new job one week after leaving my old one.

One thing that has been a blessing for me right now is that I have been able to go to worship, together with my fiance, at his church, where I can simply go to worship and not be at work. It's something you take for granted until your workplace and worship place are the same place. So many folks, over the course of my time left at the church had asked if I was planning on going to seminary now, because '...you would be such a great pastor! You're so good at preaching!'

I don't know right now if I would want to be a pastor, for fear that I would rarely be able to just sit and worship - ever. It has been so nice to sit and worship, sing, pray, and listen to God's word preached without any other distractions or responsibilities. I can see myself as a youth director in another congregation some day, when, I don't know. I also always tell people that I will never rule out the possibility of becoming a pastor - just that I don't see it in my life plan right now.

It's also been nice to have some time to read the Bible and do some studying on my own - independent of work - something I hadn't been good at in recent months. That's actually what this post was a result of - a lenten study about how important it is to stop and just be - to simply rest in God. It's a good reminder - something we all need.

"the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;"

Psalm 1:5

The Great Tension

We are constantly caught between opposites. They might be in our own life, or we might be one extreme, and someone or something else is the other. Sometimes time separates the two sides, sometimes experiences, sometimes feelings. We have to muddle our way through, hoping to find balance if only for a little while.

I often catch myself feeling guilty for being happy when I know someone else is feeling badly about something else. I am currently in the midst of planning for my own wedding, which is coming up in a little less than six months. Just last night, I found out a friend, who was sure she was getting married this May, is now single. It is strange for me to be caught up in my own plans, having things going relatively well (in fact, I just nailed down our photographer yesterday), and be thinking about what it would feel like if that happened to me.

I don't know the details. I don't know who did what or why there is no longer a relationship. All I know is that I am still attached. She's not. Two poles.

Life can change in a heartbeat, and the two poles can be a matter of minutes, even seconds apart in our own lives. I was reading back through some old blog posts of my own from several months to up to a couple years ago. One mentioned a friend who was currently going through a separation with his wife - they're now back together again. Another mentioned a friend that had split up with her husband - between then and now, they had gotten back together, and if I am right, are now going through the beginnings of a divorce. They've been married for just a couple of years. Still another spoke of thoughts I'd had after moving in with a family about two and a half years ago - and that I 'loved' living there because of all of the randomness. That's not so much my feeling anymore - suffice to say I'm ready to be living in my own house again. Soon enough. :)

I find it interesting to go back through old posts and old journals and see the strong feelings that surrounded an experience - how it seemed at the time that it would be impossible to forget those things - and now, years later - I've all but forgotten several of them. Time does heal. Some memories stick. Some don't. Regardless - certain things still sting at the time - and the other side isn't necessarily a solution - just another thing to deal with and learn from.

For my friend's sake - I hope she finds people who can help her see through this experience, and ways to come to understand the parts she needs to. Life is too short to spend constantly looking ahead to the next thing - it's tough enough to live in the moment we are in without being constantly distracted by the things around us. Each season of life requires us to live in a different way and learn a different set of processes and ways to respond to it.

Right now - I'm an engaged girl who's working at a church, living with a family, has some good friends, and doing alright. Who knows what I'll be in 2 years when I happen across this post again - might be interesting to see.