What have I done...

**Before you begin reading, this is what I have posted so far. It is likely that this will be a fluid note, constantly added to and edited, or that it will be the first in a series as I do and remember new things that need to be added.**

I have been amused by the notes that have been circulating around Facebook as of late. They are similar to the chain messages that circulate through e-mail, encouraging you to share random facts and information about yourself. Some of them are simple and have questions such as 'when is the last time you cried' or 'what did you eat for breakfast' or 'where do you spend most of your time' - others are more specific, asking you to highlight things from a list that you've done or to recap a year by answering about things that have happened over the past 365 days.

I started filling out another one this morning, as much to see for myself how I measured up as to tell anyone else - after all, does anyone really read them (except perhaps the junior highers that want the latest dirt on their friends and acquaintences)? Then, after finishing it, and actually posting it, I started reading through it, and ended up deciding to delete it. It seemed like a cheap way to tell about some of what I consider to be defining moments of my life - and then I ended up here - and I'm going to write it my own way.

Physically, I've climbed a 14,000 foot mountain and backpacked 20 or 30 miles through the continental divide, I've rock climbed, paddled something like 80 miles in a canoe over a few years, run a couple races (short ones, but a runner I am not), biked in a triathlon, biked 70 miles in a bike-a-thon twice, and even biked 302 miles across the southern part of MN over three days.

I've been to Greece and Italy, Belize, Canada, and something like 18 states in the US. I've seen the Colosseum, the Parthenon, the Pantheon, and stood in St. Peters Square and saw black smoke come out of the Vatican during the first day of the vote for a new pope after John Paul died in 2005. I've walked the ground where much of ancient Greek mythology took place, touched pieces of pottery made thousands of years ago, and even sat on an ancient Roman toilet in a bath house. I've even been through the Belizian jungle and been around 2 miles from the border of Guatemala, and had a tarantula crawl across the floor one night while I was brushing my teeth.

I've been to Washington DC twice and seen all of the memorials, been to Arlington National Cemetary, and seen Gettysburg. I've been through the Holocaust Museum and seen a pile of shoes that mark lives lost. I've been in the Atlantic Ocean and the Mediterranean Sea, and a couple dozen lakes in the Boundary Waters. I've seen meteor showers, the Northern Lights, and watched a thunderstorm roll in across a lake.

I've broken two bones, almost cut my tongue off with a spoon, had to get stitches in my forehead, and have more scars than I can remember stories for (but love to tell about the ones I do remember). I have had surgery at least four times, and two of those were in my mouth.

I lived in the same house for the first 18 years of my life, and since then, have become a pro at packing and moving back and forth from college, and twice since then - but I still hate doing it. I've lived in my own apartment and owned a car. I graduated from college with a degree in Studio Art and Religion. I had a job right out of college and have been at the same one for 2.5 years.

I've fallen for a couple guys, and now, even fallen in love. I've felt the pain of broken relationships and felt the pain of friends losing loved ones and struggling through difficulties. I've known what it feels like to accomplish something that seemed impossible. I have felt love from others, and been blessed with amazing family, friends, and people who support me. I've learned that deep friendships can be formed in a matter of hours.

I've worked in a clinic in a remote jungle and served food to a crowd of 1000 at a soup kitchen in Denver. I've helped paint a handful of houses, learned how to put up drywall, even helped build a ramp. I've worked three summers at a Bible Camp in central MN and spent three semesters traveling to a different church every weekend during college on a ministry team. I have played in a band, and can play guitar, bass (although not real well yet), and even sing okay. I can paint, throw pottery on a wheel, do photography, even draw if I'm in the mood. I've written poetry, a couple songs (though I've never finished one), and written some stories. I've painted a backdrop for a play, painted the side of a semi trailer, and even helped paint a 30x100 foot mural for a concert.

I've ridden in airplanes multiple times, ridden in a helecopter, a ferry, and metros in Greece and DC. I've driven 2000 miles in two weeks.

I've worked on the set of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and even been on national TV (even if it was only for about 3.6 seconds). I've seen a few dozen concerts and even met a good number of the big names in Christian music.

And, because this is only the beginning of my story, I have to include the flip side, things I haven't done yet but hope to do.

1. Go to Australia and visit the Australia Zoo to see Steve Irwin's legacy
2. See the Pacific
3. Go to Hawaii
4. Marry my true love
5. Own a dog
6. ....

Life is - (second installment) -

Life is a crazy combination of ups and downs, highs and lows, ins and outs. Sometimes good things and bad things come in waves, sometimes they are alternated, in very close proximity with one another. This week has been a good example of the latter.

Amidst all of the pain and uncertainty that I have been witnessing in my friend's life with the failing health of his father - something wonderful has been going on - a new relationship with a wonderful guy - and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Though the recent couple months have been the most eventful - this isn't a new development - save for the now "official" declaration of a relationship. About 8 months ago - after a "date" at Starbucks - a then friend of mine told me that he had feelings for me. Not an odd thing to hear - especially since I also had feelings for him. For whatever reason - hearing that threw my brain into overdrive and I politely declined a relationship, saying that I wanted to get to know him better first, and see where things went. So, that's what we did. We were in the early planning stages of a big bike trip with a group of folks, and he and I were both a part of that. I had decided that since I'd be seeing him more, this would be a good way to sort of "feel out" whether or not I thought there could be something.

A couple months passed, the trip came and went, and...nothing happened. But, about a week later, I had been talking to him online and brought the whole thing up again - and threw him for a loop - he'd been trying to let the whole thing go because it looked like nothing was going to happen. Maybe he hadn't seen what he thought he did - maybe I wasn't interested after all. But...I was...and the door was cracked open again - and...not much happened. We still saw each other - with other friends around. Then, after more conversations with mutual friends of ours, midway through July a plan was hatched for a double date. We headed over to Mankato - us by ourselves - also part of the friends' plan. The night was a fun one, and we made conversation with each other, had a nice dinner, and then all of us headed home together (we had dropped of the other vehicle for a trip later in the week). The night ended well, and I had told him I had fun - and then the rest of the summer happened. I was gone on a couple of trips, when I wasn't gone, he was, and we didn't see a lot of each other - so once again, it seemed like the opportunity was slipping away. Then, September.

I don't know exactly what it was - even now - that made me do what I did. I couldn't get him off my mind - I needed to know what happened, what was happening. I finally went to our matchmaker friend's office one morning, and asked him one simple question - "did I lose my chance with him?" The friend's reply threw me - "yes...probably." We talked for the next half hour and my heart sank as I wondered what I had done - hearing more and more of the back story, hearing more and more about what had gone on the other side of the fence. I decided as I walked out of the office that I needed to talk to him - regardless of what the answer was, I needed closure. I had come to realize that though I didn't see the change happen - I knew that I wanted this relationship to work - the thought of him dating someone else hurt.

A few days later, I called him up and we decided that it would be fun to play some music together, and we got together for a few hours and sat and played and talked. We went from there over to a band concert in town, and from there to Perkins with another friend of ours to eat. Thinking I'd lost my chance at a conversation - I decided I had one more shot - and when the friend dropped us off to go back to our cars - I said, "what would you say if I told you that I thought we should spend more time together like this?" He agreed - and that is kinda where things started to turn. We were both still pretty nervous around each other, but slowly, gradually, we started spending some time, just one on one. Lunch together, a walk in the park, a conversation here and there.

Things started building, we got more comfortable, and I started realizing that the more time I spent around him, the more time I wanted to spend around him - and I felt like the only thing that was keeping us from being totally comfortable was the unknown - how did we both feel about each other?

Enter - November 1. We had made plans to go and see his niece in a play, and to meet up with his sister and her family beforehand for supper. We drove to Mankato and spent the evening there, went to the play, and after things were done, we decided that it would be fun to go across the street to Dairy Queen. There were about 12 of us there - a good number of us bought Blizzards. One of the nieces had her friend there, and at one point, I looked over and saw she had ice cream spilled on the table - figured the cup had overflowed or something. Then, a conversation started about the way that they will often tip the cup upside down when they make them for you to prove how thick they are. After hearing this conversation, not knowing that was what she had done, I studied my cup for a while, ate the melty parts, and decided to try it - and -

SPLAT.

No one saw me do it - but they definitely heard it. The guy and his mom whipped around when they heard the splat, and I fell on the floor laughing. We got it cleaned up, I got harassed for a while, and he and I spent a long time laughing...including about the first 10 minutes of the drive back home. Normally, wouldn't have been a bad thing...except that I had finally decided that it was time to ask him where we were at...the conversation didn't really seem to fit anymore. So, we made random conversations, occasionally lapsing back into laughter about the earlier events. We got home, he had come over to my place because we were going to watch a movie with some friends - and sitting down on the opposite end of the couch, I finally asked - "so, where are you at with us?"

The conversation that followed was a good one - turns out we were on the same page after all - and he had wanted to say something - after all, we'd sorta been dating off and on the month or two prior. We decided we both wanted to try and see what would happen - and the rest has been amazing. There's no more wondering, no more not knowing what's going on in the other person's mind - and the person I was falling for then is now even more amazing.

We spent the next week and a half or so having people learn that we were a couple...getting to know each other, spending a lot of time together. We have a habit of saying the same thing at the same time, laughing at the same things...and mostly, just being right for each other.

And, I got my first kiss a couple nights ago - after spending time together at a parade in town, going to a concert, and then spending another few hours playing music together and talking - it just felt right. It was his first too. And it was perfect. :)

Life is...

I didn't think this is the post that would directly follow the last - I didn't know things would move this quickly.



Life is fragile. It takes a full nine months to form, but can be taken away in an instant. Sometimes we can see the end coming a long way off, other times, nothing prepares us for that moment when it will cease to be.



Life is painful. We face so many things each day that wear us down, crush our hopes, destroy our dreams.



Life is Joy - simple things like a smile from a friend, a hug from a lover, a glance across a room full of people, the laughter of a child, the brush of a hand, the ring of laughter.



Life is...

I write this after learning that my friend's dad passed away in the early hours of the morning. He was surrounded by friends, family - people that he loved, and that loved him. It was the end of a long road - and now comes the slow realization of what this reality means. Prayers of peace, understanding, and grace we offer to you. You are in our thoughts.

It's been a long time...

All life is sacred. And all life is deeply, inseperably intertwined with the lives around it.

I've been living with some friends of mine for the past week, getting a glimpse of lives that are different from mine, and seeing what it's like to be a part of a family with three young girls. Sometimes it's cute, sometimes it's chaos...but I think it's always beautiful. It's almost like choraeography the way that things work together - and even more interesting to watch what happens when one more member is grafted in to the mix.

It's been a learning experience - but not in the way that you're probably thinking. Yeah, it was odd waking up the first morning in their house and hearing voices, when I'm used to waking up to silence - but most of the learning was in watching a family that is not my own function from day to day. Little interactions that most would shrug off as insignificant each become tiny pieces in a grand tapestry.

So, what happens if one of those stitches is removed? I ended up moving in for our trial run at a very significant time - the husband's father is dying. He was diagnosed with lung cancer about a year ago - and at that point was given six months. Now, the prognosis is three weeks - and old wounds have been ripped open as the reality of the disease surfaces again.

It's strange to be a part of the family when you feel like you have no business hearing the things that are being said. As a friend, I would have heard them anyway, but I was hearing many of the things as they were happening...an odd sort of feeling to be that close to what is going on.

Beyond that, watching any friend go through something like this hurts. It's always been that way for me - when a friend of mine is in pain, I am in pain.

It's the helplessness of the whole situation - fear, pain, uncertainty - a known, yet unknown timeline, wondering what it will be like when the stitch rips loose. Who, what, how will it be tied back together...

Retracing My Steps...and Trying to Jog My Memory - - -

It has been a long few weeks.

Not necessarily bad, or difficult, just long - a lot has happened. Some significant, some insignificant. Mostly good, I'd even venture to say...

Life is made up of hundreds of thousands of tiny mosaic pieces. I had a friend who referred to it as a patchwork quilt - I could agree with that too (my life would definitely be one of those crazy quilts with the random shaped pieces...no neat little boxes here!). Or perhaps it's more like a paint by number - each piece being filled in by a certain feeling, action, person, or whatever.


But I digress.

There have been so many things I intended to blog about...and each day I thought I'd jot some things down, one thing led to another, and I either forgot or simply decided not to...and now I can't even remember what it was I wanted to write about. It's sad, really, I had some good thoughts going. But, just like when I don't write appointments in my calendar or put that post it note where I can see it...things get forgotten.

Three weeks ago, I made a presentation for a Kiwanis meeting, went to two out of town meetings in different places in one day, and spent part of the weekend hanging out with a band called Silverline that came to participate in a weekend event over at the Methodist Church. It was a crazy week, but one that gave me a chance to just be random - it's nice every now and again.

Two weekends ago, I took some kids out to an apple orchard to make scarecrows and just spend the afternoon having fun. It was great, really - our little caravan headed out to the country, and somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 or 30 folks joined us for the event. I got to see my pastor's kids and parents - it was fun to spend some time with them also.

The week that followed contained an unpracticed worship session (which came off way better than some of the ones I've been a part of that have been rehearsed - chalk it up to talented musicians), a devotion for staff meeting (incidentally, one that talked about the very same thing I touched on above - about many pieces coming together), a bible study leader meeting, Homecoming, running cars back and forth, and schedules that flip flopped and flip flopped some more. I think my plans for Saturday changed four times before I finally figured out exactly what I was doing, and the end result was a great one. I got to spend some time with my favorite kids on Friday night - It was just an...I don't know...just a good weekend. :)

Sunday brought a benefit for some members of the church who lost their father/husband to cancer caused by Agent Orange about a year ago. The attendance and help was great - I think they raised at least $6k. Then, this week has been sorta random also...time spent with old friends, new friends, even time spent with old friends in new ways. This afternoon I leave with some kids to go to Minneapolis for a girl's conference this weekend, and before that - Terry's in town - and is coming to visit us Grace folks for a bit. And, next week - I get to be on the work crew for Extreme Makeover - Home Edition!! They're coming to rural Albert Lea - so exciting!!

Alright...enough with synopsis of my life...perhaps having done this will help me to remember some of the other things I wanted to journal about... sigh. :)

Not for Lack of Trying - - -

I haven't posted in over a week - and it's mostly because fall has reared its head. Confirmation started this week, and this weekend I had services with my mission trip kids. It was a full week - and my mind felt like it was going 20 different directions at once. I had so much running through my mind that at times, I had to ask people to repeat themselves because I couldn't hear them over my internal monologue. Teen CBS had its first official meeting last Monday, and I am still working on putting together the final pieces of a band. We play on the 22nd. :)

This week is just as crazy...although in a different way. Council on Tuesday night, 6:30am presentation and 7:30am meeting on Wednesday plus Confirmation and everything else, meeting in Byron and meeting in Owatonna on Thursday, football game and weekend event Friday night thru Sunday, rounding out with an afternoon at an apple orchard Sunday afternoon. Despite all of that, I feel like I'm starting to get a handle on the fall schedule, slowly but surely.

I got a chance to go on a long bike ride with my crew on Saturday morning in the rain. We rode to Ceylon and back - took us about two and a half hours. We were soaked by the time we got to Ceylon...but luckily it was warm enough that it didn't matter. No lack of excitement during the trip...I was riding with one of the guys up ahead of the other three, and I had just commented that I was getting tired. Not two minutes later, we rode past a farm that had a german shepherd sitting in the yard, who, upon seeing us, started barking and running down the ditch. My friend said, 'You got anything left? Because you had better find some gas...' to which I replied that I thought he'd just run along with us in the ditch. No more did the words come out of my mouth and the dog started running up the slope and on to the road...after me. I took off like a shot...and after half a minute of chasing us, he finally backed off. I think he was a couple feet from me at one point. So, I learned that even when you're tired, you can still go real fast if you've got the right motivation.

Today, amidst all that was going on, was a lot of fun. Seeing and hearing the kids talk about the mission trip again, seeing kids around at church again, and thinking about the mission trip again...made me think.

When we take part in mission experiences, when we take time to get to know the stories of others, when we listen to the hearts of the people we encounter - we begin to put names with faces...and we can no longer claim ignorance about the situations that present themselves around us. We have to act...we need to act. By then, it's all we can do. ~

Backtracking - 8/28/08 - Life on the Rez - Day Six - - -

After one final stop at the coffee shop before we left, we packed up at the center and got ready to head out. Karen came in and out of the room a few times, handing out tokens of thanks to each of us as she came. I ended up with a beautiful bracelet made out of dyed porcupine quills - a perfect gift.

We said our goodbyes and prepared to leave, knowing that a piece of each of our hearts would indeed remain at the center long after we left. I belive we felt empowered, knowing that our work here was not really finished, and that each of us still had a responsibility to carry out what had been started.

It was a long drive home - spent thinking about all the events of the week.

I think Karen summed it up well:

"God's blessings abound - "God's work and our hands - pass them around and as God works through us, indeed our hearts and minds are renewed and we are transformed. Thank you for sharing your hearts and minds with ust at Pine Ridge - take a piece of ours with you as you continue your life of giving and sharing with others. Blessings, Pastor Karen."

God bless our "broken" hearts.