You Can't Do It All Yourself...

"We like to be needed. And we become overconfident in our ability. But we're not God...we're finite." We are crack(ed) pots. I spent a couple hours this afternoon in transit to and at the Apple Store at the Southdale Mall in Edina. It turns out if you stop a computer mid-update, it's basically like giving the poor thing a lobotomy. No organization can rise any higher than its leaders Leaders rarely surround themselves with other leaders...mostly because we don't want to share the spotlight. No leader has ever suffered because his followers were strong. Most people don't do what's expected, they do what's inspected. People will do what they see you do.

I am not omnicompetent.

When I stepped back, my church stepped up.

We have to get the wrong people off the bus, the right people on, and everybody in their right seats.

Sometimes we have to release people and let them go...lovingly. Sometimes they're not going to be happy about it.

Six goals...one for each area of their lives. It took work...but it was necessary. They knew I was taking an interest in their lives.

***

Pachabel's Canon - I wanted to do this by myself...

Chasing the Wild Goose

For the last six months now, a friend of mine and I have been pursuing the idea of opening a coffee shop in town. It was an idea that developed after being approached by a couple of people from the local community college who were interested in finding a place that could be a hangout for some of the students between classes and after for doing homework or just relaxing. Within a few days or weeks, we heard about a grant that was being offered, and thought about just how awesome it would be if we could find a way to develop our coffee shop idea so we could try and secure the grant. We attended the meetings, waited, attended more meetings, waited...and found out that we had not gotten the grant. No, wait, we actually did get the grant - part of it, anyway...but no one told us right away. There began the arduous journey that would be the next several months. Little did we know. And, funny, because part of the grant committee was called TMI - which I feel is exactly what we have gotten over the course of the past few months. or maybe it was the opposite...TLI - too little information. :)

After getting the grant, we had to reconsider exactly what we were going to do, because the amount of money was less than we had originally bargained for. So, we thought partnering would be a better option - not having to start from scratch...and after talking with a handful of people, someone gave us the name of a local woman that was looking to start a coffee shop in town. GREAT!! She even called it an answer to prayer the first time I talked to her on the phone...seriously...it was for us too. So, we talked. Began the process. Dreamed together.

Then...deadlines came. And passed. Timelines were shifted, moved back...lost altogether. We met, waited, met, hemmed and hawed, got grief, got everyone's opinions (whether we wanted them or not), and tried to keep going. For three months.

Turns out, everyone really wants this coffee shop. That's what they say, anyway. They say "we really need one here, that they really want one here...and they wish they could help, but..." That's my favorite comment of all. Honestly, if the answer is no, say that. I'm ok with no. What I'm not ok with is you saying you want to help, but there's no way you can. That doesn't help me. At all.

"The time isn't right." "There is too much uncertainty. We don't know which direction we're going to move with that space, so, the timing is bad." "Have you talked to so and so? I bet they might have an idea..." The comments came. Everyone seems to know someone else that would be a great place for us to go to and get started or find a new springboard...but after the third or fourth one of those things, you start wondering just where that goose is at...hiding just behind the next corner, waiting on the other side of the top of that hill? Who knows.

The funny thing is...today was the best conversation...perhaps the most productive one we've had so far...and our idea was all but completely shot down. I sound bitter...I was...I don't think I am anymore though. You see, today felt like the first time we got any straight answers out of anyone. I'm sick of beating around the bush. Yeah, there was the token 'I'd love to help, but...', but even then...something just felt different. I don't know why. They kept talking about money...thinking they'd lose all sorts of money if we shared space with them. I remember thinking at one point that I wish there was a way to somehow get the money to go to them instead. Sort of the 'kill them with kindness' mentality I suppose. Or something like that.

So, I left the meeting, rode my bike over to the bike shop for a pick me up, and then came back to work, where I found a lovely CER letter waiting for me in my mailbox, about what else...the coffee shop. Another 30 days notice about the grant. Salt in the wound, or icing on the cake? I'm not really sure which at this point. Salty icing? No, that just sounds gross. :)

So, we continue chasing the goose. Or something. I struggle some days with wondering if this should be taken as a sign that this is not meant to happen right now...or happen with us...or happen in this way, or if it is a lesson in perseverance and continuing on even when things seem hopeless. It's a bit like being given a parachute for climbing a wall...sure, we're prepared...but not for the right thing, apparently.

Keep honking, goosey goosey gander. Perhaps one of these days we'll catch you. I hope it's before you die.

Why did I...

Guilt is a powerful weapon. Even when it is not used intentionally...or perhaps it is used most powerfully when it is unintentional. Is it still guilt then? Or is it merely a call to be accountable?

Why do we see being asked questions as being questioned as a person, to our very core? Why, when our motives are questioned, when our reasoning is questioned, or even when our not having done something is questioned, do we feel like a puppy who is being scolded for making a mistake?

What is so deeply embedded in our human nature that we feel responsible for everything going on around us...or not going on around us for that matter? Is it because we really are responsible, whether directly or indirectly?

Word (and thought) of the Day - Intentionality

I don't wanna go through the motions,
I don't wanna spend one more day,
Without your all consuming
Passion inside of me...

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
What if I had given everything...
Instead of going through the motions...

These words, from a song called 'The Motions' by Matthew West, seem to sum up well the thoughts that I have been having and the conversations I have been a part of over the course of the last few days. It's another one of those overarching themes that has taken over my thought process as of late.

I was having a conversation with my pastor about some conversations we will be having with the confirmation kids over the course of the next year, mostly looking at the promises they make when they go through their Affirmation of Baptism. We want to ask them why it matters if they keep the promises or not...what it means for them to keep them.

We also want to have a conversation with the small group leaders about what the main focuses/purposes are when we are teaching confirmation. Our hope is that they will find the connections between what we do in confirmation and what areas we focus on with our ministry at Grace.

Then, I had a third conversation before a meeting earlier today about a couple lines in a book I recently read - - if our community said that they were going to shut our church down, who would step up to defend it? Would it be solely the people that attended the church. or is the ministry focused enough on outreach and community support that others beyond the church membership would rise up in its defense as well?

What does it mean for us to live lives that are intentional? How different would it look from the way we are living right now?

Musings of the Two Wheeled Variety

I did something this weekend that many would consider ridiculous to attempt. I completed my third century bike ride - I rode 100 miles in just a little over 8 hours on Saturday. Started at 6am and watched the sun come up...and saw great expanses of the southeastern Minnesota countryside.

So, what do you learn when you spend 8 hours on two skinny wheels and a tiny uncomfortable seat?

1. Keep your eyes on the road. Holes and bumps often sneak up unexpectedly, and if you're not prepared for them, you're liable to hit them or fall in. Some of the bumps cannot be avoided, but if you are ready for them, you can brace yourself, making the impact less threatening.

2. Things on the road are not the only threats you will face. Some dangers will come out of nowhere, barking and growling and threatening to chase you down. Others will come in like a gust of wind, ready to knock you over, unseen, but nonetheless felt.

3. Nourishment is vital. You will run out of fuel, and you need to make sure you keep your tank full.

4. Never underestimate the power of a word of encouragement. Sometimes a smile or a 'Good Job!' is enough to get you the next 10 miles.

5. Those that are available to help you are not often right in front of your eyes. Sometimes you have to seek out a helping hand intentionally, or you will miss the opportunity.

6. Things that appear to be obstacles sometimes change into opportunities. That wind that was blowing in your face and slowing you down turns into a wonderful push when you change direction.

7. A good song (or two or eight) can be the difference between staying sane and going nuts when you are out on the road by yourself. It becomes a wonderful companion for those lonely miles.

8. Be prepared. Making sure you have extra supplies and tools can be the difference between success and failure when you have an unexpected accident.

9. Not all pain is crippling. Sometimes it just makes the journey a little harder for a while.

10. Not all pain lasts forever.

11. Hills are both good and bad. Most uphills have an accompanying downhill...but not all of them do.

12. There are other riders on the same journey as you. Often they are facing the same struggles you are...and sharing the same joys. Befriend them - learn from them - encourage them.

13. Sometimes you can move just as fast going downhill without pedaling as you can going uphill pedaling...or even faster. Take advantage of those times.

14. Trust your vehicle.

15. Take time to say hi to old friends, especially those that have been doing what you're doing for longer than you. They often have wise advice.

16. There are people looking out for you.

17. Windbreaks are nice, but don't always 'break' the wind. Sometimes they just turn a wind that is a cross wind into a headwind for a moment.

18. Appearances aren't everything...for either the rider or the bike. Some of the more beat up looking bikes and unlikely (or young) riders are just as good (if not better) than the shiny bikes and the 'hardcore' looking riders.

19. You are going to be better than some riders some of the time and worse than some riders some of the time. Your position will likely change over the course of the ride...several times.

20. Never take things like being able to get off of your bike for granted. Sometimes you just can't.

...You're Up to Something Bigger Than Me...

So, what do you get when you sit two friends down at a table over lunch who start talking about their day...week...etc...and just keep talking? You get new ideas being birthed that wouldn't happen otherwise. You get dreams coming out, ideas being realized, coincidences that don't seem like coincidences anymore, and an understanding that some of what seemed like random or insignificant thoughts really had a purpose far greater than what you might have originally imagined.

Purpose. Purpose is what makes us act, makes us do things that might seem a bit out of our reach. Not so much purpose for ourselves either, but a greater purpose, something that goes beyond who we are and what we have set out to do. It is listening to the voice of others reiterate what we have been thinking and haven't realized, noticing themes that seemed like nothing more than scattered ideas up until that moment.

I and a couple friends have been talking off and on over the course of the last couple months about how badly we want to get back into regular Bible study again, in conversation with other folks, keeping us accountable. We've been talking about it...but it hasn't happened. We were considering doing a specific series with specific topics...but...we haven't gotten around to it. So...we waited. And then, we got tired of waiting...and thought, well, what if we just started 'studying the Bible?' A crazy concept, I know. We got farther with this idea, and even got so far as to possibly have picked a book to start in together. But we haven't started yet.

Last night I was talking to a friend of mine who was asking what offerings there were in my church as far as adult Bible study or classes. I had to answer the cold hard truth...not much. We have our between services gathering, but honestly...most of that group is over sixty. So, swing and a miss. Then I was thinking about how she should just join our little group once we get off the ground. It's something, after all.

Then, I was talking to another friend today who brought up near the end of lunch about how she wants to get back into a Bible study, and I about started laughing. It's not a coincidence...it's a repeating theme. So, I told her that we had been talking about the same thing...and that's where the madness began. She told me about wanting to do something a bit bigger than that, wanting to be open to a larger group. She talked about a gathering she used to be a part of during college, with music, someone to speak...discussion time, etc. So...my mind wanders to our band...to Nexus, an older gathering of young adults that used to exist, to a discussion I had with my new pastor about wanting to be intentional about getting young adult males into the church... do you see the theme here?

Things have been tried. They worked, in different ways. They attracted different groups of people at different times...but, what if all of those things took notes from each other...combined strengths, helped with weaknesses...what could happen?

Then, as we were walking out the door, we were talking about how other folks had brought up the same sort of idea, and I expressed one of my frustrations with meetings here with the ministry folk - we spend so much time focusing on what we're there for that we stifle ourselves from what could be happening! I've never been a fan of needlessly long meetings, but it seems like the ones that are long aren't long for that reason.

I think this happens more often that I'd even like to consider...how often people in the same area, the same place, even, have ideas they want to get off the ground, but don't think they have the means or the support to do so. And there they stay, grounded, because no one else ever got to hear the idea, the same idea that they've been wanting get going... sigh.

On the way home, the song "Something Heavenly" by Sanctus Real came on the air...and I got chills...it's quite a convicting thing to hear something that sounds like it came out of your own head on the radio...calling you to get up and move...

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out...

So...now what...what's next?

Sharing Scars

Happy tears are a strange concept. What does it really mean to be so filled with emotion that we end up at the other extreme? I hadn't felt that for a while...but I got to experience it again tonight.

I got to have a movie night with my boyfriend - and the film of choice was Pursuit of Happyness. An amazing film if you haven't seen it...a story about what it means to fight for a dream against all odds. It kinda left us both groping for words. We made small talk for a while and then I made a comment to him about the fact that the upcoming week in New Orleans was going to be an odd one - that I'd been so spoiled getting to see him almost every day. He stopped, looked at me and kind of chuckled...and I asked him why - he said it was just an odd concept - being the source of spoiling. We just sorta sat there together, I told him he was worth it. I'm so happy with him...some days I really have to pinch myself to be convinced that the last three months really have been real. :)

I think back sometimes...the most recent thing that amuses me is looking back at the other guys I would have liked to date while I was in college. The first one was the musician, jack of all trades, in a little bit of everything. The second one was the fiercely loyal friend, unique, a little shy, but at the same time was bound and determined to be himself even if it meant not always fitting in. The third was the goofball, smart, self assured, a great sense of humor, and despite all of that, still there was a part of him that didn't see his full worth - and how much he meant to the folks around him.

Each time I met one of these guys, I was hooked...between their personalities and their characteristics, I was certain each of these guys had what I was looking for. And, each time the chance at a potential relationship came and went, I looked back thinking there was no way I'd ever meet another guy like them, and I did...twice. After the third shot was gone towards the end of my college career, I sorta decided to just chill for a while...see what would play out. I moved to Fairmont, and I guess somewhere in the back of my mind was keeping an eye out for decent single guys, but not actively looking. Every now and again someone would mention someone they knew, but never real seriously. So, I just hung back, let life play out, and enjoyed the ride...and before I knew what had even happened, God dropped someone into my lap...so perfect that I think I didn't even know what to do. Luckily, I eventually came to my senses...and the rest is history. Beautiful, happy history.

We find in those around us the things that complete us, that fill in the missing pieces we didn't even know we were missing. And then, we write our life songs. Together.

1.
Hanging by a thread, we see familar faces
Swimming in a sea of unspoken stories

Countless causes for us to lose heart
At the end of our rope and coming undone

2.
Holding on and holding in, we push away and keep our distance
Worried we'll lose something we'll forget and can't replace

Ripping the stitches, before the wound has healed
Our only hope is to escape, unharmed and unscathed

3.
Building piece by piece the name You gave me
Knowing what we take may be passed to someone else

Realizing we may lose pieces, it's all a part of the plan
No longer looking for escape, giving up the fear of harm

B.
Stitching each piece to another, we become a colorful patchwork
Giving voice to the seamstress, broken people coming together

C.

It's a process of give and take, life's not only made of what we make
What I thought was mine is ours, all we're doing is sharing scars