What I Really Want To Say

The title for this particular post is also the title of a song by a singer named Steven Curtis Chapman. I've had his CD playing in my car for a few days now, and on my way home tonight from Logan's, it came on again. It seemed appropriate, but for another reason as well - I had a conversation with him earlier in the evening about a friend of mine who is separating from his wife in just a couple of days.

My heart hurts for him. He's normally a jokester, happy go lucky, nothing seems to get him down kind of guy. He's always got a smile on his face. Not so now. For about the past week and a half...he found out right before Christmas.

I don't know the story. I don't know what had been going on before (the news hit me like a train). I don't know the sides, other than the simple explanation that it's happening. And I struggle to understand - because I know the feelings I have for Logan - and it is next to impossible for me to imagine something like that happening.

I should preface what I am about to write by saying that I am not naive enough to believe that we won't ever fight. I am not naive enough to believe we will never have any problems. But, what I will say, is that I want to remember what it feels like now - so that someday when I do have those problems, I can come back to this and remember not only how lucky I am, but also how much I have to lose if I let petty things get in the way of love and compassion for another.

All I have to do is look in Logan's eyes, and I can't imagine a reason I'd ever want to do anything that would hurt him. I hear all the time this idea of 'young love,' and I sincerely hope that I am one of the lucky ones that is able to keep the spice and newness and awe of my relationship now even 20 and 40 years of marriage later. I love him, more than I can say, more than I can show. I want nothing more than to be with him, to help him if he falls, to do what I can to build him up. He has taught me and shown me so much about what it means to be in love and to share your life with another person, and his constant, unchanging love for me makes me love him back. I can't do anything else. It is impossible not to love him.

So, remember this, Jen. Remember this when you think you've forgotten it.

What I Really Want to Say - Steven Curtis Chapman

I say I love you, I say I need you
I try so many ways to say how my heart beats for you
I say I'm always thinking about you
There's no way I'd want to face this life without you
And even though these words come from deep inside me
There's so much more I don't have the words to say

'Cause what I really want to say
Is what the sun would say to the sky
For giving it a place to come alive
But my words get in the way
Of what I really want to say
Oh, what I really want to say

I know that sometimes my words can be as hard as stone
And sometimes my words have left you feeling so alone
So please forgive me and hear the words I'm saying now
I will spend my whole life looking for a way somehow
To let you know just how precious you are to me
I'll use the best words I know but I still won't say it all

It's like a tale too great to be told
It's something that my heart can only show
I'm gonna take my whole life
Just to let you know
What I really want to say
Oh, what I really want to say to you
What I really want to say
Oh, what I really want to say

The Answer My Friend, Is Blowing In The Wind...

It's 2011. Just barely two hours old. And so far, it's been wonderful.

I know the whole thing won't be wonderful. And I think I'm prepared for that. I've got some pretty amazing people that will make sure that the parts that aren't wonderful, are - at very least - survivable.

That's part of why this year has been so great already. I was spending it with some of those folks. My boyfriend's family - my other family - people that I feel blessed even to know. People I love, who love me, who take care of me. And my wonderful, sweet, caring, almost unbelievable boyfriend to top it all off...it really is more than I could ever ask for. For this reason, I am blessed.

I came home tonight smiling, and after messaging Logan, got ready for bed. Upon coming back upstairs, I find a message on my phone asking if I made it home alright. The message I sent hadn't gone through...not uncommon. I resent the message, and another, and after another moment, I get another buzz from him wondering where I am. So, after calling him and letting him know I'm safe at home, I hang up the phone smiling. It seems so simple, but it is so wonderful...having someone that cares enough about you that they're on the phone calling as soon as it's been a reasonable time for you to have arrived. It's something I don't want to take for granted, because it's another reminder of how good things are...and how happy I am.

It's been a busy year - how different than normal I guess I can't really say - but many things happened. I started out the year by taking a trip to the North Shore, and exploring so many beautiful places. I then found out I have food allergies, and after a drastic diet change and several months, not only learned how much better I could feel, I also lost 30 pounds, and can look in the mirror for the first time in a long time and really like what I see. I started running, and ran not only my first official race (a 6k in Minneapolis), but several others, and am slowly working up to being able to run (hopefully) a marathon this year. I went to Washington state for the first time, and not only got to go on a great vacation with my boyfriend and his sister and kids, but also got to see my college friend Brendan for the first time in something like four years. I competed in a triathlon with Logan and did the bike and run portions, and he swam. We did great. I had a bit of a falling out with a friend for a while, and struggled for a good part of the second half of the year letting that go - and finding new ground to build that relationship back together on. It's still a process. :) It's one of my goals for this year - to really finally let that all go. I went on a canoe trip with a group of kids this summer, and learned how much I can learn just by hanging out with a group of people for a week. I went camping with Logan's sister's family, and started learning how to run barefoot (and got my first pair of Five Fingers!). I also injured my foot, and after working up to 8 miles of running in one shot, had to stop for over a month to let it heal, and also had my first experience with a chiropractor - who fixed my foot. My grandpa got very ill and passed away within the space of a couple weeks - and I experienced losing a close family member for the first time. I celebrated two years since I started dating the man I love more than I knew I could love another person (and I read for the umteenth time the letter he wrote me for our anniversary... I think I read it at least a few times a week). The last few months have gone by so fast they seem like a blur...and it seems unreal even as I type this stuff out that so much has happened. Add on top of all of that the fact that I have now been at my job and lived in Fairmont for something like four and a half years. Crazy.

I lay here in bed listening to the wind howl, still smiling - there's something wonderful about being under blankets and listening to a reminder of how cold it is outside...and how nice it is inside. It's comforting, in a way. I've always liked being able to hear the wind against the windows or the roof. I think it's just a reminder of powers that I can't control, and can only be amazed by. I'm okay with that.

I wanted to remember these things as I embark upon a new journey - a new year - another year in my life. I also wanted to jot down, in a place I can't lose - some thoughts and goals for the upcoming year...

1) Get ready for, and run, my first marathon.

2) Learn to let go of something I can't control anyway.

3) Make an honest attempt at getting back into some of the other forms of art I used to be active in - mostly drawing. And do more photography.

4) Be more intentional about, and improve, my guitar skills.

5) Possibly convince a certain guy to propose to me... ;)

6) Read the Bible EVERY day. Even if it's only a little bit sometimes.

If I think of other things - I will add them. I'd also like to try to do something I've been meaning to do for a long time - which is really get into the habit of writing in my blog more, if for no other reason than to remember things and jot down thoughts and ideas I have. It's always good for me when I take the time to do it.

Life is...good. Sometimes life just is. There are always reminders, whether in our own lives or in others - that bring us back down from our mountain top experiences and make us step back and look at obstacles we face that force us back to the valleys at times. We'll always have those. And we'll make it through them.

God bless us and keep us, God make is face shine on us and be gracious to us...God look upon us with favor, and grant us peace - today and always.

The Company That You Keep...

I got a wonderful note from my boyfriend this morning before work that had the same title as this post. It seemed to fit the myriad thoughts that have been rolling around in my mind as of late, and I decided to borrow the words.

I think part of the reason writing in this blog is always so difficult for me is because I wait so long that I have so much to say, and can't figure out how to either put it all into words, or condense it down into something that makes sense.

It's been a wild ride lately, between being busy, having some interesting conversations with friends, having interesting things go on with other friends...and the like. I spent the better part of last weekend and the beginning of this week stewing over a comment that a friend of mine made, and in hearing said comment, learning that several months worth of fretting were over nothing at all. This should be cause for relief, but in this case, it made both me and my boyfriend wonder what sort of friendship we really have with our friend. He'd been making both of us think there was something wrong, either with out friendship, or with him. Turns out he was playing a game, trying to screw with us to achieve a desired end. Well, he got it...but unfortunately, not in the way he'd hoped. When confronted about his efforts, he laughed. Not quite the response I had hoped for.

So much of life is influenced by the people we spend our time with. Whether we realize it or not, we are constantly being changed and molded by what happens. When the people around us are positive, we are positive. When the people around us are negative, we become negative. The same is true in reverse, of course. So, why do we sometimes put up with the people that drive us nuts?

I suppose it is because we see something. We find something in them that we feel drawn to, for whatever reason, and once that connection has been made, it is difficult to undo. I don't have intentions of breaking off a friendship for one little thing like this - after all, we all do dumb things and have to answer for our mistakes. I think what bothered me most in this particular instance, was the reaction I got to telling him I didn't appreciate what he'd done to us. He just seemed to shrug it off and smile like it was no big deal, while in the meantime, I am doing everything I can not to either yell or cry. So, now it's over...mostly...we both spent a week on our own avoiding the house, and this week they take off for vacation - so we got a much needed hiatus from drama. I think we're still planning on confronting him about what this did to us...and how much is made us question our trust in his actions.

So, what in the world does all of this have to to with the goofy pair of shoes on my feet? Those glorified toe socks are called Vibram FiveFingers - shoes that are designed to take us back to a more natural way of running and walking. The thing is, even though we are meant to be able to run and walk without a bunch of fancy padding and support mechanisms on our feet, after growing up with it and living that way for years, you can't just go back to the way things were supposed to be...you have to ease into it gradually...otherwise, it hurts. A lot.

It has to do with learning...learning how we are supposed to "run" after years of being misdirected and overprotected. We can learn how to go back to the way things are supposed to be, but it will hurt. Things happen that make us wonder if the right way really is the best way, but if we keep at it, we can make it work. We can get back to normal.

Eventually...

Emotionally Inclined

I'm a girl.

I've recently been informed that because of this, I act out of emotion.

While I will never deny that girls have a tendency to act more emotional at times, and to show more emotion, I resent the idea that because I am a girl, that means any argument I have is basically worthless, because I am speaking out of emotion when I argue.

I can't speak for myself, as that is far too biased, but I happen to think that in the overly emotional spectrum, I'm not that high up on the scale. I really don't like drama. I get frustrated when I spend too much time with other girls, because I can't handle all the junk they create for themselves, or that they seem to attract like magnets. My closest friends in college were guys, and the group of people I tend to hang around with now are primarily guys.

So, to be accused of being overly emotional was not something I took well, especially from the guy who was the accuser, considering the fact that the thing that led to the argument was him trying to draw information out of a mutual friend of ours because she seemed down in the dumps. Turns out, it had more to do with the fact that he was concerned she was mad at him and he wanted to know why (oh, and by the way, he's married with kids, not just some post college single guy , in case you thought this was just a case of college-style drama). Sounds like something girls freak out about, actually.

The argument led to me being accosted because I had told him to leave her alone after the fifth or sixth time he had asked her what was wrong, and I told him just to drop it, that regardless of whether there was something wrong or not, he was not helping the situation. He told me I had jumped all over him, and more or less that I wasn't being a very good friend because I didn't get to the heart of what was going on. He then told me a story about a couple they knew, and how the wife had gotten mad at the husband because she was upset about something, and the husband asked the wife what was wrong, and she said nothing, so he dropped it. She wanted him to pursue the issue, and was mad when he didn't keep asking what was wrong. First of all, this is ridiculous. Men (and women for that matter), cannot read minds. And, if she wanted to be asked about what was wrong, she shouldn't have lied in the first place. Finally, my friend is not my other friend's wife.

The underlying problem in this situation, when it really comes to it, is that my guy friend thinks my other friend is a closer friend than she really is. Truthfully, while she would still call him a friend, to her, he's not the caliber friend that she would go to with problems or to just chat about things. She doesn't have to tell him anything. And while I know she does, at times, have a tendency to bottle things up, I am certain that she's not facing things completely alone. I talk to her, she has a wonderful boyfriend who I am sure she can go to with difficult stuff, and other friends as well. But you can't tell him that. It'd be difficult to tell anyone that.

So, I came out the bad guy. I ended the "argument" as it were, after being harassed by both him and his wife for my emotionally charged side of the argument, very angry, and convinced that I'd probably said something that I shouldn't have, because they both seemed to think I was out of line. I stewed for the night, praying neither of them would bring it up again, because I didn't think I'd be able to handle it as well the second time around.

I guess that's a final piece of the story - I can have arguments with people, even fairly heated ones, without that argument ever affecting the way the friendship/relationship is in the first place. The wife seems to operate under the impression that if you are arguing with someone, the very fabric of the relationship is at stake depending on the outcome. For me, I need to have the argument, I need to say what I feel needs to be said, and when it's all over, it's over. That's it.

So, I tiptoed around the next day, hoping it wasn't going to get brought up again, and had the chance to talk over the situation with my boyfriend, who was there during the argument, and his family, who heard the story recounted by the two of us. He didn't think I'd said anything out of line, either in telling him to stop badgering my friend, or in the argument that followed. So, I finally let it go - and it hasn't been brought up since.

Sigh...oh, if there's a teenager reading this...don't get your hopes up too high. Drama doesn't go away after high school. Or college. Or...well, ever, for that matter. So you better get good at handling it. :)

One Word - - -

More than once, I have told youth of mine (I work with teenagers in a church, for those of you that don't know), that doing God's work is as simple as smiling at someone or doing a good deed like opening a door. I do believe that's true, and I tell them because it's non threatening, but I think sometimes, it seems too simple, seems too generic and it's really just a knee jerk comment. But today, I was reminded of why it's so important.

I was at the gas station this morning grabbing some juice and breakfast on my way to work, which was something I waffled about for a while in the first place. Did I really need to hit up the store? Surely I'd be fine with something small at work, anyway. But, my whim won out, and I stopped. I grabbed my purchases and went to the counter to pay, where I was asked by the cashier how I was doing. I smiled and said 'good,' and he stopped, looked at me with a smile of his own, and said, 'Wow, that's nice to hear! So many folks this morning just grumble about what's wrong...you just made my day!' He finished ringing me up, thanked me again by name (I'd paid with a card), and wished me well.

All I did was smile and say one word. That simple thing changed my morning for the better, and may even change the mornings of the next few people he talks to as well. So, for those of you who are wondering if those little gestures really do matter, here's proof that they do. :)

My Multiple Personalities - - -

No, don't worry, I haven't come down with some sort of psychological disorder. I am still mentally intact, although, depending on the day, I guess there are probably some friends of mine that might argue otherwise. :)

I got a phone call yesterday from the guy who used to work as the janitor/building manager in the same place that I work, totally out of the blue, just to wish me a Merry Christmas. It surprised me to see his name pop up on my cell phone screen, and it was wonderful to talk to him for a few moments and get to wish him a Merry Christmas as well. I went back to work for the afternoon, and as I was driving home, was thinking about the fact that, though I have great working relationships with the folks that are my coworkers, I don't feel like I know them quite as well as the ones who came before them.

You see, within the last year, roughly two thirds of our staff has turned over for one reason or another. Before the turnover, staff relations among the whole group were strained at best - there was too much under the surface between this person or that person, and group conversations or activities were almost impossible because of that. I'd always gotten along fine with everyone, but when you put the whole group in a room together, silence seemed to prevail...no one really had anything to say to anyone else. Not the best work environment ever. That was the case for the better part of two and a half years.

Then, things started to change. Some people left, new folks were hired...and the staff dynamics changed. Slowly. We went out for lunch together one day after two new folks came on - - and were actually talking together, laughing together, telling stories...which shouldn't be a big deal...but for this group, it was.

As I said before though, I don't feel like I have the same type of relationships with the new folks as I did with the old ones...and maybe, just maybe, that's ok. Maybe work is best left at work, and friendships are best made with those outside of the workplace...who knows?

When I grow up, I'm going to be an influence on others...

...good or bad, I guess others can decide.

I'm sitting in my office right now...watching out the window in the parking lot as another person test drives a vehicle from the Ford dealership down the block. It's become a regular occurrence. Every now and again, I glance out the window and see someone doing figure eights in the larger part of the lot, stopping and starting the vehicle, testing its maneuverability. It's important, after all...to know how something that will be your means of transportation will respond to your direction.

I was thinking back to my days in junior high, thinking back to two teachers that might possibly have been my reasons for making it through the junior high mentally intact. You see, though I forget how or why now, one of them asked me if I'd like to be a teacher's assistant for them. I'd sit in their office each day, doing whatever it was they needed done, and playing free cell on the computer when they didn't need anything done.

I wrote a poem when I was in 8th or 9th grade, I think the latter, after hearing a presentation about I don't remember what, one of those drinking and driving presentations I think, at any rate, one of those presentations that they show you while you are in school that is designed to scare you enough to not do whatever thing caused the tragedy in the first place. So, I guess for one reason or another, I responded in words. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

I showed the poem to those teachers, one of whom was a health teacher, and also to one of the leaders at the local Youth for Christ place in town. I think I remember getting a phone call later because they thought the poem was about me, and that I had lost someone tragically or something, and I assured them that was not the case, that I had just written the poem to write it. The teachers, on the other hand, read it and told me that they thought it was good, and that I was a good writer. Now, I don't remember exactly what the poem was about, or whether or not it was good. But they said it was, and I liked how that felt. So, I wrote some more. I wrote a bunch of random poems in those high school years, and I remember going back and sharing them with those teachers.

Fast forward several years, and now I am that person, the one who has the ability to encourage others and to reach out to them. One thing I have learned, is that we have this remarkable ability to either make someone believe in themselves, or make someone doubt that they have any ability at all. I have learned that there is a time and a place for embellishment, and that even if someone might not be great at something, being encouraged has the ability to make them keep on trying, to make them want to be better.

I think people have this messed up idea that someone has to be born with at least some natural talent in an area for them to one day be really good or even great at something. A guitar virtuoso, a wonderful cook, a composer or a writer. But I'm not sure that's true anymore. I think, that given a sufficient amount of time, just the right amount of constructive criticism, and enough room to mess up, if someone has an honest desire to do something, they can become great at it.

It's tough though, as the encourager, to know exactly which way to proceed in those situations. Sometimes the beginning, the 'getting of the ground' for the person who wants to become 'great', is a very messy, very awkward process. And not everyone is going to eventually become great, either.