What I Really Want To Say

The title for this particular post is also the title of a song by a singer named Steven Curtis Chapman. I've had his CD playing in my car for a few days now, and on my way home tonight from Logan's, it came on again. It seemed appropriate, but for another reason as well - I had a conversation with him earlier in the evening about a friend of mine who is separating from his wife in just a couple of days.

My heart hurts for him. He's normally a jokester, happy go lucky, nothing seems to get him down kind of guy. He's always got a smile on his face. Not so now. For about the past week and a half...he found out right before Christmas.

I don't know the story. I don't know what had been going on before (the news hit me like a train). I don't know the sides, other than the simple explanation that it's happening. And I struggle to understand - because I know the feelings I have for Logan - and it is next to impossible for me to imagine something like that happening.

I should preface what I am about to write by saying that I am not naive enough to believe that we won't ever fight. I am not naive enough to believe we will never have any problems. But, what I will say, is that I want to remember what it feels like now - so that someday when I do have those problems, I can come back to this and remember not only how lucky I am, but also how much I have to lose if I let petty things get in the way of love and compassion for another.

All I have to do is look in Logan's eyes, and I can't imagine a reason I'd ever want to do anything that would hurt him. I hear all the time this idea of 'young love,' and I sincerely hope that I am one of the lucky ones that is able to keep the spice and newness and awe of my relationship now even 20 and 40 years of marriage later. I love him, more than I can say, more than I can show. I want nothing more than to be with him, to help him if he falls, to do what I can to build him up. He has taught me and shown me so much about what it means to be in love and to share your life with another person, and his constant, unchanging love for me makes me love him back. I can't do anything else. It is impossible not to love him.

So, remember this, Jen. Remember this when you think you've forgotten it.

What I Really Want to Say - Steven Curtis Chapman

I say I love you, I say I need you
I try so many ways to say how my heart beats for you
I say I'm always thinking about you
There's no way I'd want to face this life without you
And even though these words come from deep inside me
There's so much more I don't have the words to say

'Cause what I really want to say
Is what the sun would say to the sky
For giving it a place to come alive
But my words get in the way
Of what I really want to say
Oh, what I really want to say

I know that sometimes my words can be as hard as stone
And sometimes my words have left you feeling so alone
So please forgive me and hear the words I'm saying now
I will spend my whole life looking for a way somehow
To let you know just how precious you are to me
I'll use the best words I know but I still won't say it all

It's like a tale too great to be told
It's something that my heart can only show
I'm gonna take my whole life
Just to let you know
What I really want to say
Oh, what I really want to say to you
What I really want to say
Oh, what I really want to say