Life is a crazy combination of ups and downs, highs and lows, ins and outs. Sometimes good things and bad things come in waves, sometimes they are alternated, in very close proximity with one another. This week has been a good example of the latter.
Amidst all of the pain and uncertainty that I have been witnessing in my friend's life with the failing health of his father - something wonderful has been going on - a new relationship with a wonderful guy - and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
Though the recent couple months have been the most eventful - this isn't a new development - save for the now "official" declaration of a relationship. About 8 months ago - after a "date" at Starbucks - a then friend of mine told me that he had feelings for me. Not an odd thing to hear - especially since I also had feelings for him. For whatever reason - hearing that threw my brain into overdrive and I politely declined a relationship, saying that I wanted to get to know him better first, and see where things went. So, that's what we did. We were in the early planning stages of a big bike trip with a group of folks, and he and I were both a part of that. I had decided that since I'd be seeing him more, this would be a good way to sort of "feel out" whether or not I thought there could be something.
A couple months passed, the trip came and went, and...nothing happened. But, about a week later, I had been talking to him online and brought the whole thing up again - and threw him for a loop - he'd been trying to let the whole thing go because it looked like nothing was going to happen. Maybe he hadn't seen what he thought he did - maybe I wasn't interested after all. But...I was...and the door was cracked open again - and...not much happened. We still saw each other - with other friends around. Then, after more conversations with mutual friends of ours, midway through July a plan was hatched for a double date. We headed over to Mankato - us by ourselves - also part of the friends' plan. The night was a fun one, and we made conversation with each other, had a nice dinner, and then all of us headed home together (we had dropped of the other vehicle for a trip later in the week). The night ended well, and I had told him I had fun - and then the rest of the summer happened. I was gone on a couple of trips, when I wasn't gone, he was, and we didn't see a lot of each other - so once again, it seemed like the opportunity was slipping away. Then, September.
I don't know exactly what it was - even now - that made me do what I did. I couldn't get him off my mind - I needed to know what happened, what was happening. I finally went to our matchmaker friend's office one morning, and asked him one simple question - "did I lose my chance with him?" The friend's reply threw me - "yes...probably." We talked for the next half hour and my heart sank as I wondered what I had done - hearing more and more of the back story, hearing more and more about what had gone on the other side of the fence. I decided as I walked out of the office that I needed to talk to him - regardless of what the answer was, I needed closure. I had come to realize that though I didn't see the change happen - I knew that I wanted this relationship to work - the thought of him dating someone else hurt.
A few days later, I called him up and we decided that it would be fun to play some music together, and we got together for a few hours and sat and played and talked. We went from there over to a band concert in town, and from there to Perkins with another friend of ours to eat. Thinking I'd lost my chance at a conversation - I decided I had one more shot - and when the friend dropped us off to go back to our cars - I said, "what would you say if I told you that I thought we should spend more time together like this?" He agreed - and that is kinda where things started to turn. We were both still pretty nervous around each other, but slowly, gradually, we started spending some time, just one on one. Lunch together, a walk in the park, a conversation here and there.
Things started building, we got more comfortable, and I started realizing that the more time I spent around him, the more time I wanted to spend around him - and I felt like the only thing that was keeping us from being totally comfortable was the unknown - how did we both feel about each other?
Enter - November 1. We had made plans to go and see his niece in a play, and to meet up with his sister and her family beforehand for supper. We drove to Mankato and spent the evening there, went to the play, and after things were done, we decided that it would be fun to go across the street to Dairy Queen. There were about 12 of us there - a good number of us bought Blizzards. One of the nieces had her friend there, and at one point, I looked over and saw she had ice cream spilled on the table - figured the cup had overflowed or something. Then, a conversation started about the way that they will often tip the cup upside down when they make them for you to prove how thick they are. After hearing this conversation, not knowing that was what she had done, I studied my cup for a while, ate the melty parts, and decided to try it - and -
SPLAT.
No one saw me do it - but they definitely heard it. The guy and his mom whipped around when they heard the splat, and I fell on the floor laughing. We got it cleaned up, I got harassed for a while, and he and I spent a long time laughing...including about the first 10 minutes of the drive back home. Normally, wouldn't have been a bad thing...except that I had finally decided that it was time to ask him where we were at...the conversation didn't really seem to fit anymore. So, we made random conversations, occasionally lapsing back into laughter about the earlier events. We got home, he had come over to my place because we were going to watch a movie with some friends - and sitting down on the opposite end of the couch, I finally asked - "so, where are you at with us?"
The conversation that followed was a good one - turns out we were on the same page after all - and he had wanted to say something - after all, we'd sorta been dating off and on the month or two prior. We decided we both wanted to try and see what would happen - and the rest has been amazing. There's no more wondering, no more not knowing what's going on in the other person's mind - and the person I was falling for then is now even more amazing.
We spent the next week and a half or so having people learn that we were a couple...getting to know each other, spending a lot of time together. We have a habit of saying the same thing at the same time, laughing at the same things...and mostly, just being right for each other.
And, I got my first kiss a couple nights ago - after spending time together at a parade in town, going to a concert, and then spending another few hours playing music together and talking - it just felt right. It was his first too. And it was perfect. :)
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Life is...
I didn't think this is the post that would directly follow the last - I didn't know things would move this quickly.
Life is fragile. It takes a full nine months to form, but can be taken away in an instant. Sometimes we can see the end coming a long way off, other times, nothing prepares us for that moment when it will cease to be.
Life is painful. We face so many things each day that wear us down, crush our hopes, destroy our dreams.
Life is Joy - simple things like a smile from a friend, a hug from a lover, a glance across a room full of people, the laughter of a child, the brush of a hand, the ring of laughter.
Life is...
I write this after learning that my friend's dad passed away in the early hours of the morning. He was surrounded by friends, family - people that he loved, and that loved him. It was the end of a long road - and now comes the slow realization of what this reality means. Prayers of peace, understanding, and grace we offer to you. You are in our thoughts.
Life is fragile. It takes a full nine months to form, but can be taken away in an instant. Sometimes we can see the end coming a long way off, other times, nothing prepares us for that moment when it will cease to be.
Life is painful. We face so many things each day that wear us down, crush our hopes, destroy our dreams.
Life is Joy - simple things like a smile from a friend, a hug from a lover, a glance across a room full of people, the laughter of a child, the brush of a hand, the ring of laughter.
Life is...
I write this after learning that my friend's dad passed away in the early hours of the morning. He was surrounded by friends, family - people that he loved, and that loved him. It was the end of a long road - and now comes the slow realization of what this reality means. Prayers of peace, understanding, and grace we offer to you. You are in our thoughts.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
It's been a long time...
All life is sacred. And all life is deeply, inseperably intertwined with the lives around it.
I've been living with some friends of mine for the past week, getting a glimpse of lives that are different from mine, and seeing what it's like to be a part of a family with three young girls. Sometimes it's cute, sometimes it's chaos...but I think it's always beautiful. It's almost like choraeography the way that things work together - and even more interesting to watch what happens when one more member is grafted in to the mix.
It's been a learning experience - but not in the way that you're probably thinking. Yeah, it was odd waking up the first morning in their house and hearing voices, when I'm used to waking up to silence - but most of the learning was in watching a family that is not my own function from day to day. Little interactions that most would shrug off as insignificant each become tiny pieces in a grand tapestry.
So, what happens if one of those stitches is removed? I ended up moving in for our trial run at a very significant time - the husband's father is dying. He was diagnosed with lung cancer about a year ago - and at that point was given six months. Now, the prognosis is three weeks - and old wounds have been ripped open as the reality of the disease surfaces again.
It's strange to be a part of the family when you feel like you have no business hearing the things that are being said. As a friend, I would have heard them anyway, but I was hearing many of the things as they were happening...an odd sort of feeling to be that close to what is going on.
Beyond that, watching any friend go through something like this hurts. It's always been that way for me - when a friend of mine is in pain, I am in pain.
It's the helplessness of the whole situation - fear, pain, uncertainty - a known, yet unknown timeline, wondering what it will be like when the stitch rips loose. Who, what, how will it be tied back together...
I've been living with some friends of mine for the past week, getting a glimpse of lives that are different from mine, and seeing what it's like to be a part of a family with three young girls. Sometimes it's cute, sometimes it's chaos...but I think it's always beautiful. It's almost like choraeography the way that things work together - and even more interesting to watch what happens when one more member is grafted in to the mix.
It's been a learning experience - but not in the way that you're probably thinking. Yeah, it was odd waking up the first morning in their house and hearing voices, when I'm used to waking up to silence - but most of the learning was in watching a family that is not my own function from day to day. Little interactions that most would shrug off as insignificant each become tiny pieces in a grand tapestry.
So, what happens if one of those stitches is removed? I ended up moving in for our trial run at a very significant time - the husband's father is dying. He was diagnosed with lung cancer about a year ago - and at that point was given six months. Now, the prognosis is three weeks - and old wounds have been ripped open as the reality of the disease surfaces again.
It's strange to be a part of the family when you feel like you have no business hearing the things that are being said. As a friend, I would have heard them anyway, but I was hearing many of the things as they were happening...an odd sort of feeling to be that close to what is going on.
Beyond that, watching any friend go through something like this hurts. It's always been that way for me - when a friend of mine is in pain, I am in pain.
It's the helplessness of the whole situation - fear, pain, uncertainty - a known, yet unknown timeline, wondering what it will be like when the stitch rips loose. Who, what, how will it be tied back together...
Friday, October 3, 2008
Retracing My Steps...and Trying to Jog My Memory - - -
It has been a long few weeks.
Not necessarily bad, or difficult, just long - a lot has happened. Some significant, some insignificant. Mostly good, I'd even venture to say...
Life is made up of hundreds of thousands of tiny mosaic pieces. I had a friend who referred to it as a patchwork quilt - I could agree with that too (my life would definitely be one of those crazy quilts with the random shaped pieces...no neat little boxes here!). Or perhaps it's more like a paint by number - each piece being filled in by a certain feeling, action, person, or whatever.
But I digress.
Not necessarily bad, or difficult, just long - a lot has happened. Some significant, some insignificant. Mostly good, I'd even venture to say...
Life is made up of hundreds of thousands of tiny mosaic pieces. I had a friend who referred to it as a patchwork quilt - I could agree with that too (my life would definitely be one of those crazy quilts with the random shaped pieces...no neat little boxes here!). Or perhaps it's more like a paint by number - each piece being filled in by a certain feeling, action, person, or whatever.
But I digress.
There have been so many things I intended to blog about...and each day I thought I'd jot some things down, one thing led to another, and I either forgot or simply decided not to...and now I can't even remember what it was I wanted to write about. It's sad, really, I had some good thoughts going. But, just like when I don't write appointments in my calendar or put that post it note where I can see it...things get forgotten.
Three weeks ago, I made a presentation for a Kiwanis meeting, went to two out of town meetings in different places in one day, and spent part of the weekend hanging out with a band called Silverline that came to participate in a weekend event over at the Methodist Church. It was a crazy week, but one that gave me a chance to just be random - it's nice every now and again.
Two weekends ago, I took some kids out to an apple orchard to make scarecrows and just spend the afternoon having fun. It was great, really - our little caravan headed out to the country, and somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 or 30 folks joined us for the event. I got to see my pastor's kids and parents - it was fun to spend some time with them also.
The week that followed contained an unpracticed worship session (which came off way better than some of the ones I've been a part of that have been rehearsed - chalk it up to talented musicians), a devotion for staff meeting (incidentally, one that talked about the very same thing I touched on above - about many pieces coming together), a bible study leader meeting, Homecoming, running cars back and forth, and schedules that flip flopped and flip flopped some more. I think my plans for Saturday changed four times before I finally figured out exactly what I was doing, and the end result was a great one. I got to spend some time with my favorite kids on Friday night - It was just an...I don't know...just a good weekend. :)
Sunday brought a benefit for some members of the church who lost their father/husband to cancer caused by Agent Orange about a year ago. The attendance and help was great - I think they raised at least $6k. Then, this week has been sorta random also...time spent with old friends, new friends, even time spent with old friends in new ways. This afternoon I leave with some kids to go to Minneapolis for a girl's conference this weekend, and before that - Terry's in town - and is coming to visit us Grace folks for a bit. And, next week - I get to be on the work crew for Extreme Makeover - Home Edition!! They're coming to rural Albert Lea - so exciting!!
Alright...enough with synopsis of my life...perhaps having done this will help me to remember some of the other things I wanted to journal about... sigh. :)
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Not for Lack of Trying - - -
I haven't posted in over a week - and it's mostly because fall has reared its head. Confirmation started this week, and this weekend I had services with my mission trip kids. It was a full week - and my mind felt like it was going 20 different directions at once. I had so much running through my mind that at times, I had to ask people to repeat themselves because I couldn't hear them over my internal monologue. Teen CBS had its first official meeting last Monday, and I am still working on putting together the final pieces of a band. We play on the 22nd. :)
This week is just as crazy...although in a different way. Council on Tuesday night, 6:30am presentation and 7:30am meeting on Wednesday plus Confirmation and everything else, meeting in Byron and meeting in Owatonna on Thursday, football game and weekend event Friday night thru Sunday, rounding out with an afternoon at an apple orchard Sunday afternoon. Despite all of that, I feel like I'm starting to get a handle on the fall schedule, slowly but surely.
I got a chance to go on a long bike ride with my crew on Saturday morning in the rain. We rode to Ceylon and back - took us about two and a half hours. We were soaked by the time we got to Ceylon...but luckily it was warm enough that it didn't matter. No lack of excitement during the trip...I was riding with one of the guys up ahead of the other three, and I had just commented that I was getting tired. Not two minutes later, we rode past a farm that had a german shepherd sitting in the yard, who, upon seeing us, started barking and running down the ditch. My friend said, 'You got anything left? Because you had better find some gas...' to which I replied that I thought he'd just run along with us in the ditch. No more did the words come out of my mouth and the dog started running up the slope and on to the road...after me. I took off like a shot...and after half a minute of chasing us, he finally backed off. I think he was a couple feet from me at one point. So, I learned that even when you're tired, you can still go real fast if you've got the right motivation.
Today, amidst all that was going on, was a lot of fun. Seeing and hearing the kids talk about the mission trip again, seeing kids around at church again, and thinking about the mission trip again...made me think.
When we take part in mission experiences, when we take time to get to know the stories of others, when we listen to the hearts of the people we encounter - we begin to put names with faces...and we can no longer claim ignorance about the situations that present themselves around us. We have to act...we need to act. By then, it's all we can do. ~
This week is just as crazy...although in a different way. Council on Tuesday night, 6:30am presentation and 7:30am meeting on Wednesday plus Confirmation and everything else, meeting in Byron and meeting in Owatonna on Thursday, football game and weekend event Friday night thru Sunday, rounding out with an afternoon at an apple orchard Sunday afternoon. Despite all of that, I feel like I'm starting to get a handle on the fall schedule, slowly but surely.
I got a chance to go on a long bike ride with my crew on Saturday morning in the rain. We rode to Ceylon and back - took us about two and a half hours. We were soaked by the time we got to Ceylon...but luckily it was warm enough that it didn't matter. No lack of excitement during the trip...I was riding with one of the guys up ahead of the other three, and I had just commented that I was getting tired. Not two minutes later, we rode past a farm that had a german shepherd sitting in the yard, who, upon seeing us, started barking and running down the ditch. My friend said, 'You got anything left? Because you had better find some gas...' to which I replied that I thought he'd just run along with us in the ditch. No more did the words come out of my mouth and the dog started running up the slope and on to the road...after me. I took off like a shot...and after half a minute of chasing us, he finally backed off. I think he was a couple feet from me at one point. So, I learned that even when you're tired, you can still go real fast if you've got the right motivation.
Today, amidst all that was going on, was a lot of fun. Seeing and hearing the kids talk about the mission trip again, seeing kids around at church again, and thinking about the mission trip again...made me think.
When we take part in mission experiences, when we take time to get to know the stories of others, when we listen to the hearts of the people we encounter - we begin to put names with faces...and we can no longer claim ignorance about the situations that present themselves around us. We have to act...we need to act. By then, it's all we can do. ~
Friday, September 5, 2008
Backtracking - 8/28/08 - Life on the Rez - Day Six - - -
After one final stop at the coffee shop before we left, we packed up at the center and got ready to head out. Karen came in and out of the room a few times, handing out tokens of thanks to each of us as she came. I ended up with a beautiful bracelet made out of dyed porcupine quills - a perfect gift.
We said our goodbyes and prepared to leave, knowing that a piece of each of our hearts would indeed remain at the center long after we left. I belive we felt empowered, knowing that our work here was not really finished, and that each of us still had a responsibility to carry out what had been started.
It was a long drive home - spent thinking about all the events of the week.
I think Karen summed it up well:
"God's blessings abound - "God's work and our hands - pass them around and as God works through us, indeed our hearts and minds are renewed and we are transformed. Thank you for sharing your hearts and minds with ust at Pine Ridge - take a piece of ours with you as you continue your life of giving and sharing with others. Blessings, Pastor Karen."
God bless our "broken" hearts.
We said our goodbyes and prepared to leave, knowing that a piece of each of our hearts would indeed remain at the center long after we left. I belive we felt empowered, knowing that our work here was not really finished, and that each of us still had a responsibility to carry out what had been started.
It was a long drive home - spent thinking about all the events of the week.
I think Karen summed it up well:
"God's blessings abound - "God's work and our hands - pass them around and as God works through us, indeed our hearts and minds are renewed and we are transformed. Thank you for sharing your hearts and minds with ust at Pine Ridge - take a piece of ours with you as you continue your life of giving and sharing with others. Blessings, Pastor Karen."
God bless our "broken" hearts.
Backtracking - 8/27/08 - Life on the Rez - Day Five - - -
Wednesday - and our last day at the work site. We went to bed the night before excited, because we thought we were going to be able to bring our lunches to the work site, and have more time there to work. Turns out that we had lunch plans again, but either way, we were going to make the morning worthwhile. After a stop at the Sioux Nation to pick up a few final supplies (including a speaker for music!), we headed out to the church. My job for the day was to help paint the door that led to the storm shelter. Tina painted a base coat of primer on the door, and then I started work painting a medicine wheel design on the door. After realizing that I'd picked up two red cans of paint and no yellow, I phoned a very broken call in to Barry to pick up some yellow. After goofing a couple times, I got the design laid out on the door, and finished the work. Two of the guys spent the morning picking up a trailer and a skid loader so that we could dig a hole to pour a cement pad for the ramp, and also, to put the bell back up on its stand.
Replacing the bell turned out to be one of the most powerful things that happened that day. After working to get the braces set, we picked up the bell with the skid loader and hoisted it up, lined up the notches for it to sit in, and jostled it into place. We got the clapper straight, and pulled the string, and the bell sounded loud and clear across the plains once again. Tina remarked that she got chills seeing it drop into place, and I get chills as I type this now. It seemed to mark the culmination of our week, a group effort to do something that would somehow make a difference, no matter how small.
We got back that afternoon and ended up doing lunch ourselves, and even having a break before the kids arrived. We got to play with them one last time before we would leave, and then sat together with them for a worship service. It was such a wonderful experience to see them worshipping together, and even getting into the worship as they helped to lead it. We then ate with them, which also turned out to be one of the most memorable nights of the week, when I was put in my place by a seven year old that told me I had "fat legs full of hotdogs." Oh Stefani...
After supper, we drove out to a farm, where the grandfather of a couple of the kids raises buffalo. We hopped into the safari bus, and bounced across the country side looking for the buffalo. When we did find them, these gentle giants ambled right up to the windows of the bus where we fed them out of our hands. Oh, what an AWESOME experience. We drove back as the sun was setting, where we then gathered outside the house, and smudged ourselves with sage smoke before we went in to see and hear about a white buffalo calf that had been born on the farm a number of years before. You can read the story here:
http://www.crystalinks.com/buffalocalfwoman.html
The story was amazing to hear from him - he was an incredible story teller.
We finally had a chance to do a talking circle that night, where we gathered together and shared stories and thoughts about our week on the Rez. Only one of us was allowed to talk at a time, and we shared our hearts together, and something stuck out as Karen talked - how the indians believe that as we share time with each other, a piece of their heart stays with us, and a piece of our heart goes with them. It is in this way that we are all "broken" - with pieced together hearts from those that we come into contact with throughout our lives. They are constantly being remade, and in a way, I think that often times, the pieces of our hearts that we give away are only partially ours - other bits that have been added to ours are given away as well.
It truly is God's work, and we are given the ability to use our hands to carry it out.
Replacing the bell turned out to be one of the most powerful things that happened that day. After working to get the braces set, we picked up the bell with the skid loader and hoisted it up, lined up the notches for it to sit in, and jostled it into place. We got the clapper straight, and pulled the string, and the bell sounded loud and clear across the plains once again. Tina remarked that she got chills seeing it drop into place, and I get chills as I type this now. It seemed to mark the culmination of our week, a group effort to do something that would somehow make a difference, no matter how small.
We got back that afternoon and ended up doing lunch ourselves, and even having a break before the kids arrived. We got to play with them one last time before we would leave, and then sat together with them for a worship service. It was such a wonderful experience to see them worshipping together, and even getting into the worship as they helped to lead it. We then ate with them, which also turned out to be one of the most memorable nights of the week, when I was put in my place by a seven year old that told me I had "fat legs full of hotdogs." Oh Stefani...
After supper, we drove out to a farm, where the grandfather of a couple of the kids raises buffalo. We hopped into the safari bus, and bounced across the country side looking for the buffalo. When we did find them, these gentle giants ambled right up to the windows of the bus where we fed them out of our hands. Oh, what an AWESOME experience. We drove back as the sun was setting, where we then gathered outside the house, and smudged ourselves with sage smoke before we went in to see and hear about a white buffalo calf that had been born on the farm a number of years before. You can read the story here:
http://www.crystalinks.com/buffalocalfwoman.html
The story was amazing to hear from him - he was an incredible story teller.
We finally had a chance to do a talking circle that night, where we gathered together and shared stories and thoughts about our week on the Rez. Only one of us was allowed to talk at a time, and we shared our hearts together, and something stuck out as Karen talked - how the indians believe that as we share time with each other, a piece of their heart stays with us, and a piece of our heart goes with them. It is in this way that we are all "broken" - with pieced together hearts from those that we come into contact with throughout our lives. They are constantly being remade, and in a way, I think that often times, the pieces of our hearts that we give away are only partially ours - other bits that have been added to ours are given away as well.
It truly is God's work, and we are given the ability to use our hands to carry it out.
Backtracking - 8/26/08 - Life on the Rez - Day Four - - -
Tuesday started what felt like very early, and the guys in our work group had to go pick up some supplies, so after a quick breakfast, Tina and I took a walk down to Higher Ground - a local coffee shop. What greeted us there was awesome...it was like a little Italian villa tucked away in the Rez. It felt as if you were walking into another part of the world...and didn't feel at all like the area that surrounded it. Check it out here:
http://www.pineridgegospel.org/higherground/index.htm
After poring through the menu, we ordered our drinks and sat outside for a while, and I chatted about beginning ideas for a coffee shop that a friend and I have mused about trying to start in Fairmont.
It was a wonderful way to start the morning, and definitely not the last time we'd grace the doors of the shop. We came back and then loaded up to head out to the Church to do some more work for the day. We added the last few boards to the deck, and then after some coffee and cookies, we got to work putting together some of the pieces to repair the bell tower. I got an interesting bovine anatomy lesson through an old farm addage, and even though I wasn't sure I knew what I was doing, I tried my hand at making holes for the braces of the bell through some 4x4 pieces of lumber. Turns out I'm not exactly amazing at keeping the holes straight, but the bolts went in and held the braces just fine, thanks.
We finished up for the day and headed back, had lunch and headed over to Red Cloud School to learn about one of the Indian boarding schools in the area. We saw a beautiful chapel decorated with paintings from several artists of the stations of the cross. Larry, the former director of the Retreat Center came to supper that night and talked to us for a while...while we, exhausted from the week so far, struggled to stay awake, though what he was saying was fascinating. He discussed an ongoing effort to get a credit union established on the Reservation, something that would hopefully get some more money circulating in the reservation.
He spoke a lot about considering the attitudes we have when we encounter the things we do on the Reservation, and finished with a rendition of the story of the Feeding of the 5000 - encouraging us to consider that perhaps what was most important about the story was the effect the boy's gift had upon those who were present that day. Seeing the little boy give his simple offering may have been enough to spur others into giving what they could as well, taking one simple step and making something amazing possible.
The events from the week were starting to drain me - I was emotionally exhausted. I spent a lot of time trying to sort out in my head what had gone on, trying to figure out what I should be feeling as I encountered different situations. Seeing the kids grab for things whenever they got the chance and "taking advantage" of a system that is designed to get them the things they need and working to get just one more thing...is it a feeling of entitlement because that is how it has been, or is it a fear that they have to get everything they can because they don't know when the opportunity will arise again? Should we feel angry and defeated when we get stereotyped when we come into the Reservation because nothing seems to change when we leave again, or should we feel compelled to keep striving to find that one missing piece that will help things finally work together for change? I'm not sure there are specific answers for these questions, and if there are, I'm not sure I want them. Part of the mission experience that I find to be the most life changing is the discontent I feel when I go back home, not sure what to do with all that I have learned because I haven't really seen the whole picture.
I had a ping pong match with John, Tina, and Barry today, before the kids arrived. We laughed and gave each other grief, and had a blast. I love getting to know folks better, and so often these trips are about what we learn more than the actual work we have come to do, and about who we are with as we learn.
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm...
http://www.pineridgegospel.org/higherground/index.htm
After poring through the menu, we ordered our drinks and sat outside for a while, and I chatted about beginning ideas for a coffee shop that a friend and I have mused about trying to start in Fairmont.
It was a wonderful way to start the morning, and definitely not the last time we'd grace the doors of the shop. We came back and then loaded up to head out to the Church to do some more work for the day. We added the last few boards to the deck, and then after some coffee and cookies, we got to work putting together some of the pieces to repair the bell tower. I got an interesting bovine anatomy lesson through an old farm addage, and even though I wasn't sure I knew what I was doing, I tried my hand at making holes for the braces of the bell through some 4x4 pieces of lumber. Turns out I'm not exactly amazing at keeping the holes straight, but the bolts went in and held the braces just fine, thanks.
We finished up for the day and headed back, had lunch and headed over to Red Cloud School to learn about one of the Indian boarding schools in the area. We saw a beautiful chapel decorated with paintings from several artists of the stations of the cross. Larry, the former director of the Retreat Center came to supper that night and talked to us for a while...while we, exhausted from the week so far, struggled to stay awake, though what he was saying was fascinating. He discussed an ongoing effort to get a credit union established on the Reservation, something that would hopefully get some more money circulating in the reservation.
He spoke a lot about considering the attitudes we have when we encounter the things we do on the Reservation, and finished with a rendition of the story of the Feeding of the 5000 - encouraging us to consider that perhaps what was most important about the story was the effect the boy's gift had upon those who were present that day. Seeing the little boy give his simple offering may have been enough to spur others into giving what they could as well, taking one simple step and making something amazing possible.
The events from the week were starting to drain me - I was emotionally exhausted. I spent a lot of time trying to sort out in my head what had gone on, trying to figure out what I should be feeling as I encountered different situations. Seeing the kids grab for things whenever they got the chance and "taking advantage" of a system that is designed to get them the things they need and working to get just one more thing...is it a feeling of entitlement because that is how it has been, or is it a fear that they have to get everything they can because they don't know when the opportunity will arise again? Should we feel angry and defeated when we get stereotyped when we come into the Reservation because nothing seems to change when we leave again, or should we feel compelled to keep striving to find that one missing piece that will help things finally work together for change? I'm not sure there are specific answers for these questions, and if there are, I'm not sure I want them. Part of the mission experience that I find to be the most life changing is the discontent I feel when I go back home, not sure what to do with all that I have learned because I haven't really seen the whole picture.
I had a ping pong match with John, Tina, and Barry today, before the kids arrived. We laughed and gave each other grief, and had a blast. I love getting to know folks better, and so often these trips are about what we learn more than the actual work we have come to do, and about who we are with as we learn.
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm...
What a difference a day makes - - -
I read through the first post I wrote on Tuesday before I got ready to write this one...three days later, and it is amazing all that has happened in the last few days. Oh, and I finally went to the doctor - two weeks and two prescriptions later - and a diagnosis of pink eye and a sinus infection. Whee.
Wednesday night was so great. There were meetings going on left and right and the bustle that is characteristic of Wednesday nights is starting to return. It's so nice to hear voices around the church besides those of the staff - I love it when the halls are full of folks milling around. Wednesday night marked the kickoff of the confirmation season - with confirmation orientation. We had a full house down in the Fellowship Hall, and it was fun to see some of the faces that I haven't seen much since last spring, as much because I have been gone so often as anything. Steve and I got through the nuts and bolts of the handbook and then I went to my post in the back by all of the sign-up sheets, and a barrage of questions greeted me, parents and kids asking left and right about all of the things that were going on. I was thrilled to watch a couple of the sheets fill to almost half full, and hear the chatter of kids telling friends to come with them to different events.
After that meeting was my second of the night...an information meeting about the ELCA National Gathering that is coming up in July 2009. Much to my surprise, there were a number of kids that stuck around, many of whom were 9th graders...and I was thrilled. The kids that were there seemed very excited about it, as did the parents that were with them. We went through all the details, and now it is just a matter of seeing how many responses I get back.
The icing on the cake occurred after the meeting as I was wrapping things up and chatting with one of the girls who really wanted to go, and her dad had told her that he would give her part of the money for the trip, but that if they went as a family to the Bahamas later that year, she wouldn't be able to come, that the Gathering would be her trip instead. She shrugged it off, saying, that's ok. I stopped and turned to her and her father and said, "You have no idea what it's like as a youth director to hear a kid say that..." to which her dad responded, yeah, she's been there before though, and I said that it didn't matter, that is still a big concession to make. I love it when kids get it...
Oh, and we are now full up for confirmation small group leaders...awesome. And we have an attendance caller too...
So, I went upstairs and hung out in the back of the end of choir practice and sat in on their prayers, and went home that night feeling like a million bucks. The last couple days have been spent taking care of the aftermath, filing away papers, getting things sorted and organized for the coming weeks, and trying to keep everything sorted out in my head. The fall is a busy one...but I can't wait. Little surprises are everywhere, and after a wonderful conversation this afternoon that put a few things into perspective, I feel like I'm really ready for it. After all, it is challenges that make us stronger, obstacles that evoke our creativity, and successes that we hold on to that help us get through the more difficult times.
On Christ alone, my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song...
Wednesday night was so great. There were meetings going on left and right and the bustle that is characteristic of Wednesday nights is starting to return. It's so nice to hear voices around the church besides those of the staff - I love it when the halls are full of folks milling around. Wednesday night marked the kickoff of the confirmation season - with confirmation orientation. We had a full house down in the Fellowship Hall, and it was fun to see some of the faces that I haven't seen much since last spring, as much because I have been gone so often as anything. Steve and I got through the nuts and bolts of the handbook and then I went to my post in the back by all of the sign-up sheets, and a barrage of questions greeted me, parents and kids asking left and right about all of the things that were going on. I was thrilled to watch a couple of the sheets fill to almost half full, and hear the chatter of kids telling friends to come with them to different events.
After that meeting was my second of the night...an information meeting about the ELCA National Gathering that is coming up in July 2009. Much to my surprise, there were a number of kids that stuck around, many of whom were 9th graders...and I was thrilled. The kids that were there seemed very excited about it, as did the parents that were with them. We went through all the details, and now it is just a matter of seeing how many responses I get back.
The icing on the cake occurred after the meeting as I was wrapping things up and chatting with one of the girls who really wanted to go, and her dad had told her that he would give her part of the money for the trip, but that if they went as a family to the Bahamas later that year, she wouldn't be able to come, that the Gathering would be her trip instead. She shrugged it off, saying, that's ok. I stopped and turned to her and her father and said, "You have no idea what it's like as a youth director to hear a kid say that..." to which her dad responded, yeah, she's been there before though, and I said that it didn't matter, that is still a big concession to make. I love it when kids get it...
Oh, and we are now full up for confirmation small group leaders...awesome. And we have an attendance caller too...
So, I went upstairs and hung out in the back of the end of choir practice and sat in on their prayers, and went home that night feeling like a million bucks. The last couple days have been spent taking care of the aftermath, filing away papers, getting things sorted and organized for the coming weeks, and trying to keep everything sorted out in my head. The fall is a busy one...but I can't wait. Little surprises are everywhere, and after a wonderful conversation this afternoon that put a few things into perspective, I feel like I'm really ready for it. After all, it is challenges that make us stronger, obstacles that evoke our creativity, and successes that we hold on to that help us get through the more difficult times.
On Christ alone, my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song...
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Backtracking - 8/25/08 - Life on the Rez - Day Three - - -
Monday was our first real day of work - though the previous two days had already been incredibly eye opening experiences. We got up around the same time - about 7am, and ate breakfast and got ready. We headed out to Makasan to work on the ramp and deck outside the fellowship hall, and assessed what needed to be done over the course of the three days. After taking some time to look at the plans the other group had left us, we went to work finishing the deck, and I got to try my hand at the screw gun and helped put the tops and sides on the railings. It was Tina and I and the four guys plus Paul, Karen's husband. We finished all that we could that day, and needed to pick up supplies before we could finish the rest of the railings, and work on the bell tower also. Over the course of the morning, I got attacked by a mama bird when I was trying to take pictures of her babies, and also got to meet a rather large snake, at least four feet long, that decided to grace us with its presence when it surprised Barry and crawled out from under a couple boards that were laying on the ground.
That afternoon, we had lunch at a place called Bette's Kitchen, a little place out in the country that was a restaurant run out of a woman's house. We ordered our food and then headed outside, and drank in the landscape. It was beautiful - from our vantage point, you could really see why the area was called Pine Ridge. We ate our amazing lunch (and had some of the best chicken fried steak I've ever eaten), and then went for a quick hike up a little hill behind the restaurant and took some pictures.
After that, we headed back to the retreat center to get ready for the kids to come, and got ready to play. It was a blast hanging out with them - they were amazingly open to us as we played pool and foosball with them, played blocks, and Roger and John got taught how to use the Skip-It. We also met Delane NoNeck, a resident haunt of the retreat center that greeted all of us by checking our pulses and temperatures. Before we knew it, the kids were heading home, and we got ready for the evening, heading out to the 70's wounded knee site to meet Kelly Lookinghorse, our guide.
We got a briefing before entering the grounds, and then were each handed a pinch of tobacco for a small ceremony while we were inside. Kelly sang a song, and then he said a prayer and instructed us to raise our hands up to heaven, and then sprinkle the tobacco on the ground. We got a chance to look around the cemetary a bit, and then headed back to the retreat center for supper. It was an intense experience, and on the way back, we passed some more of the sunflower fields, and Barry mentioned that at some point, he felt like we needed to take a photo of me in one of them, and what better time than now? So, we pulled over on the side of the road, and spent some time taking photos in the field of sunflowers. It was great to lighten the mood a bit.
The evening was spent hearing stories from Kelly and his wife Susie - a mentally and emotionally exhausting evening. It was clear from his voice and his tone that he had not progressed as far as Will had in his healing - hints of bitterness and anger were frequent as he told his stories. He made comments about things like the fact that there was plenty of work to be done, and yet no jobs, that we as "white men" are enablers that come on to the reservation to save the sinners and feel closer to God. He even said at one point that he wants someone to tell him what he did wrong, so he can tell his grandkids why they had to suffer for so long.
The night was both frustrating and enlightening, and definitely made me think a lot. Some of the other folks on the trip were angry about what he had to say and took what he said with a grain of salt. What he said was difficult to hear - but after I heard him talk about how the indians stereotype the white people that come on to the reservations, it was also eye opening. It is a difficult thing to understand what it means to be stereotyped, especially when that isn't something that normally happens to us, or affects us much if it does happen. It it powerful to walk in someone elses shoes for a while, and to come to understand what it means to feel for a bit the way others do most of their lives.
That afternoon, we had lunch at a place called Bette's Kitchen, a little place out in the country that was a restaurant run out of a woman's house. We ordered our food and then headed outside, and drank in the landscape. It was beautiful - from our vantage point, you could really see why the area was called Pine Ridge. We ate our amazing lunch (and had some of the best chicken fried steak I've ever eaten), and then went for a quick hike up a little hill behind the restaurant and took some pictures.
After that, we headed back to the retreat center to get ready for the kids to come, and got ready to play. It was a blast hanging out with them - they were amazingly open to us as we played pool and foosball with them, played blocks, and Roger and John got taught how to use the Skip-It. We also met Delane NoNeck, a resident haunt of the retreat center that greeted all of us by checking our pulses and temperatures. Before we knew it, the kids were heading home, and we got ready for the evening, heading out to the 70's wounded knee site to meet Kelly Lookinghorse, our guide.
We got a briefing before entering the grounds, and then were each handed a pinch of tobacco for a small ceremony while we were inside. Kelly sang a song, and then he said a prayer and instructed us to raise our hands up to heaven, and then sprinkle the tobacco on the ground. We got a chance to look around the cemetary a bit, and then headed back to the retreat center for supper. It was an intense experience, and on the way back, we passed some more of the sunflower fields, and Barry mentioned that at some point, he felt like we needed to take a photo of me in one of them, and what better time than now? So, we pulled over on the side of the road, and spent some time taking photos in the field of sunflowers. It was great to lighten the mood a bit.
The evening was spent hearing stories from Kelly and his wife Susie - a mentally and emotionally exhausting evening. It was clear from his voice and his tone that he had not progressed as far as Will had in his healing - hints of bitterness and anger were frequent as he told his stories. He made comments about things like the fact that there was plenty of work to be done, and yet no jobs, that we as "white men" are enablers that come on to the reservation to save the sinners and feel closer to God. He even said at one point that he wants someone to tell him what he did wrong, so he can tell his grandkids why they had to suffer for so long.
The night was both frustrating and enlightening, and definitely made me think a lot. Some of the other folks on the trip were angry about what he had to say and took what he said with a grain of salt. What he said was difficult to hear - but after I heard him talk about how the indians stereotype the white people that come on to the reservations, it was also eye opening. It is a difficult thing to understand what it means to be stereotyped, especially when that isn't something that normally happens to us, or affects us much if it does happen. It it powerful to walk in someone elses shoes for a while, and to come to understand what it means to feel for a bit the way others do most of their lives.
Backtracking - 8/24/08 - Life on the Rez - Day Two - - -
We woke up on Sunday morning around 6:45, got ready for the day, and headed out to the kitchen to gather and eat breakfast. We also met Gabby that morning - a man who lives nearby that stops in every morning for devotions and breakfast. He was fun to talk to - full of life and wisdom from the things he has encountered during his life. One of the comments he made that morning also stuck with me - he was asked what his son BJ was doing these days, and he answered, "the same as everyone else - nothing."
We left for church around 10am, to Makasan Church - about a 20 minute drive away. We had been asked if we would be willing to share a song during the service, so we decided to do "On Christ Alone," and I played guitar. When we arrived at the church, the kids quickly found a snake on the ground, a little baby one that they carted around and eventually stuck in a water bottle with a hole poked in the lid. I snapped some pictures, and then we went into church. Turns out the thing may have been poisonous, we're still not really sure. :)
The church was beautiful, relatively small, and our group comprised about a third of those in attendance. Most of the attendees for the day were youth - which was interesting to see. I got called forward for the children's message, a play on the message in the Gospel when Jesus asks Peter, "Who do you say that I am?"
It was so interesting watching the way the service played out, watching four people come forward and sing as the church choir, singing hymns acapella, even getting to help with the Sunday School class which was led by the pastor's wife. We filled out a number of worksheets with a group of kids that ranged in age from 3 or 4 to around 14. There was a baptism during the service that I didn't get a chance to see (Sunday School was during the service), and also a point where the pastor asked for prayers from the congregation - and many were offered.
Asa - the pastor - gave a children's message that was something of a mini sermon - and made a pretty good point about how we can't tell what a person does just by simply looking at them (the reason I was called forward), by referencing an old TV show. He had this quiet wisdom about him.
After the service was done, we brought our plate full of sandwiches and joined a potluck hosted by the baptismal family, and got a chance to meet some of the other church members and talk to some of them and their children. We also got a tour of the new fellowship hall, the building that we would be working on over the course of the next few days.
After lunch, we headed back to the Retreat Center and cleaned up and changed, and later headed to a pow wow in Rosebud, around a two hour drive away. We got there in time to have a look around and grab some supper, and then watch the Grand Entry - when all of the dancers came into the grand stand. It was a powerful thing to watch - to see the beautiful costumes, as well as the pride and intensity on the faces of the dancers. It was a treat to learn so much about the culture and get to see something so beautiful.
Another journal entry from that night:
"I think I've discovered that one of my desires for the week is to love and serve the others that are on the trip - to get to know them - to learn from them. I had a great time talking to Dick on the way home tonight - which served the double purpose of keeping him awake - so awesome."
Ecclesiastes 7:1-14, 15-29
We left for church around 10am, to Makasan Church - about a 20 minute drive away. We had been asked if we would be willing to share a song during the service, so we decided to do "On Christ Alone," and I played guitar. When we arrived at the church, the kids quickly found a snake on the ground, a little baby one that they carted around and eventually stuck in a water bottle with a hole poked in the lid. I snapped some pictures, and then we went into church. Turns out the thing may have been poisonous, we're still not really sure. :)
The church was beautiful, relatively small, and our group comprised about a third of those in attendance. Most of the attendees for the day were youth - which was interesting to see. I got called forward for the children's message, a play on the message in the Gospel when Jesus asks Peter, "Who do you say that I am?"
It was so interesting watching the way the service played out, watching four people come forward and sing as the church choir, singing hymns acapella, even getting to help with the Sunday School class which was led by the pastor's wife. We filled out a number of worksheets with a group of kids that ranged in age from 3 or 4 to around 14. There was a baptism during the service that I didn't get a chance to see (Sunday School was during the service), and also a point where the pastor asked for prayers from the congregation - and many were offered.
Asa - the pastor - gave a children's message that was something of a mini sermon - and made a pretty good point about how we can't tell what a person does just by simply looking at them (the reason I was called forward), by referencing an old TV show. He had this quiet wisdom about him.
After the service was done, we brought our plate full of sandwiches and joined a potluck hosted by the baptismal family, and got a chance to meet some of the other church members and talk to some of them and their children. We also got a tour of the new fellowship hall, the building that we would be working on over the course of the next few days.
After lunch, we headed back to the Retreat Center and cleaned up and changed, and later headed to a pow wow in Rosebud, around a two hour drive away. We got there in time to have a look around and grab some supper, and then watch the Grand Entry - when all of the dancers came into the grand stand. It was a powerful thing to watch - to see the beautiful costumes, as well as the pride and intensity on the faces of the dancers. It was a treat to learn so much about the culture and get to see something so beautiful.
Another journal entry from that night:
"I think I've discovered that one of my desires for the week is to love and serve the others that are on the trip - to get to know them - to learn from them. I had a great time talking to Dick on the way home tonight - which served the double purpose of keeping him awake - so awesome."
Ecclesiastes 7:1-14, 15-29
Backtracking - 8/23/08 - Life on the Rez...Day One - - -
On August 23, nine people gathered in the Grace parking lot at 8am, ready to head off to Pine Ridge, SD, for a six day long mission trip on the reservation. We loaded into two cars and took off down the interstate. Some had been there before and had some idea of what we would encounter, but by the time we arrived and started jumping in, it was clear that none of us were completely prepared for all the things we would learn and encounter during our week on the Rez.
We got to the Retreat Center in Pine Ridge around 4, unloaded and met some of the kids that were still there from drop in. I met a little girl named Alanie, and helped her make a hat out of a piece of tag board. :) We got settled in to our rooms in just enough time to start making supper. We made a run to the supermarket and got tacos ready, ate, and then prepared to welcome our first guest speaker, Will Peters, a musician and resident Lakota Indian, and also his daughter.
Will was a fountain of knowledge and insight - and one of the things he said that really struck me was "If you live your life as a man who benefits those around you, you're walking in the right way." Another thing he said was "The ones who have power are the ones that need to be protected - women, children, and the elderly." Both of these statemenst stuck in my mind as I listened to the rest of what he had to say, and got to hear his heart as he talked about his time spent as a teacher and as a councilman - and the struggles he faced along the way. His passion for care and respect for women, children, and the elderly was evident as he spoke. Much of what he stands for centers around these things.
His voice often contained hints of sadness and anger as he spoke about Pine Ridge and about being an Indian - but the primary tone of his voice was one of overcoming those other feelings, about realizing that you have two options - to dwell on the past and wallow in your own pity, or to get up, brush yourself off, and keep on living. The life these Indian people faced 40 years ago during the second wounded knee was difficult, senseless, and painful. Will told these stories so that we could learn from them, and thel told us what he had learned from dealing with them. He told us of the 85 percent unemployment that permeates the Reservation - and the devastation it brings.
Will had a tattoo of a turtle on his arm, and as he was finishing his talk with us, he referred to it, telling us the meaning it had. The turtle was representative of "Turtle Island" - the name the natives had for the United States - for North America. Around the border of the shell were the colors of the medicine wheel - the colors that represent the different "tribes" that make up the world - Black for the African races, Yellow for the Asian races, Red for the Indian races, and then, faded, and barely visible, white, for the English/Caucasian races. As we listened to him tell us about the colors, I, and I would guess many of the others thought he was making reference to the fact that we as whites were fading away, fading into the background as we had tried to to with the Indians during our attempt at assimilating and killing many of them over the course of history. But, to our surprise, he said simply (and with a gleam in his eye) that it was only fading because the tattoo artist used bad white ink. It was this sort of hidden humor that he spoke, and it made us listen to what he had to say.
He played us a couple of songs before he left, and we spent some time talking to him as well. As I got ready for bed that night, exhausted both mentally and physically, I started thinking about the day, and the week that was to come. I love getting to go on mission trips - not lead, but just go. I love learning from the people I am on them with, and getting a chance to get to know some of my "peers" a bit better through the process. I wrote this in my journal that night:
"I want time to learn from my "elders" this week, to take time to learn from my mentors and friends. Talking to Terry during this whole process has made me more keenly aware of the need to learn from all whom we encounter, to be attentive to and respond to the needs of our peers and friends. We stand to gain so much..."
We got to the Retreat Center in Pine Ridge around 4, unloaded and met some of the kids that were still there from drop in. I met a little girl named Alanie, and helped her make a hat out of a piece of tag board. :) We got settled in to our rooms in just enough time to start making supper. We made a run to the supermarket and got tacos ready, ate, and then prepared to welcome our first guest speaker, Will Peters, a musician and resident Lakota Indian, and also his daughter.
Will was a fountain of knowledge and insight - and one of the things he said that really struck me was "If you live your life as a man who benefits those around you, you're walking in the right way." Another thing he said was "The ones who have power are the ones that need to be protected - women, children, and the elderly." Both of these statemenst stuck in my mind as I listened to the rest of what he had to say, and got to hear his heart as he talked about his time spent as a teacher and as a councilman - and the struggles he faced along the way. His passion for care and respect for women, children, and the elderly was evident as he spoke. Much of what he stands for centers around these things.
His voice often contained hints of sadness and anger as he spoke about Pine Ridge and about being an Indian - but the primary tone of his voice was one of overcoming those other feelings, about realizing that you have two options - to dwell on the past and wallow in your own pity, or to get up, brush yourself off, and keep on living. The life these Indian people faced 40 years ago during the second wounded knee was difficult, senseless, and painful. Will told these stories so that we could learn from them, and thel told us what he had learned from dealing with them. He told us of the 85 percent unemployment that permeates the Reservation - and the devastation it brings.
Will had a tattoo of a turtle on his arm, and as he was finishing his talk with us, he referred to it, telling us the meaning it had. The turtle was representative of "Turtle Island" - the name the natives had for the United States - for North America. Around the border of the shell were the colors of the medicine wheel - the colors that represent the different "tribes" that make up the world - Black for the African races, Yellow for the Asian races, Red for the Indian races, and then, faded, and barely visible, white, for the English/Caucasian races. As we listened to him tell us about the colors, I, and I would guess many of the others thought he was making reference to the fact that we as whites were fading away, fading into the background as we had tried to to with the Indians during our attempt at assimilating and killing many of them over the course of history. But, to our surprise, he said simply (and with a gleam in his eye) that it was only fading because the tattoo artist used bad white ink. It was this sort of hidden humor that he spoke, and it made us listen to what he had to say.
He played us a couple of songs before he left, and we spent some time talking to him as well. As I got ready for bed that night, exhausted both mentally and physically, I started thinking about the day, and the week that was to come. I love getting to go on mission trips - not lead, but just go. I love learning from the people I am on them with, and getting a chance to get to know some of my "peers" a bit better through the process. I wrote this in my journal that night:
"I want time to learn from my "elders" this week, to take time to learn from my mentors and friends. Talking to Terry during this whole process has made me more keenly aware of the need to learn from all whom we encounter, to be attentive to and respond to the needs of our peers and friends. We stand to gain so much..."
It truly is the little things - - -
Someone walking down the street reading a book. A pile of apples at the base of a tree. Two young boys riding bikes up and down the block. A rather large man standing outside his house, shirtless, checking the mail. A yellow school bus heading back from its rounds. None of these things are anything really worth noting, but, I have seen each of them over the course of the morning. So, why did I note them here? I'm not really sure.
Today is the first day of school. The first day of the fall schedule. The second day of September, but who's counting? :) I have been telling folks all day that I am in denial that it is September already, but what can I do about it? Nothing, really, except jump headlong into it. I got a chance this morning to talk to two friends of mine, one who was on his way to work in Little Falls, the other who was wating for a ride at a seminary library in South Africa. It made my day to talk to them both...again, just tiny things that happened during my morning, except that these two things really made a difference in my day.
I guess the others did too, if they stayed in my mind long enough to make it to my fingers and out onto the keyboard as I typed this...but again, I'm not really sure why. I got to talk to Terry through a couple text messages this past weekend, long enough to learn that he is in town for the week, and I am still hoping that I am going to get a chance to see him while he's around. Sounds like things are still going well, and that he continues to be a busy beaver also.
I still have the mission trip to South Dakota spinning in my mind, and have to smile when folks ask me how it was. More posts on that trip later, I wanted to make sure I posted one about today first. It feels like I have been gone for weeks - this is the first day I've been in the office since Friday the 22, not counting Sunday for a couple hours, when I managed to sleep through two alarms, wake up at 8:59, and still shower and make it to church by 9:25. Today felt both a bit subdued and rather bustling - it's quiet in the office today, and the rain and cloudiness outside seems to be adding to the somber mood of those in the office.
A devotion during staff meeting this morning caught my attention - parts of it that I have heard before, parts I have not. It read:
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.
It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.
It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.
It mill make or break a company, a church, a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for the day.
We cannot change our past, we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.
We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play the one string we have, and that is our attitude.
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
And so it is with you, we are in the charge of our "Attitude".
These are the words of Chuck Swindoll, a pastor and author. These words are so true, and hold so much power. Attitude really is everything, especially when we face changes, difficulties, or losses.
I am excited for what the coming days, weeks, and months will hold - and cannot wait to see what is in store.
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Today is the first day of school. The first day of the fall schedule. The second day of September, but who's counting? :) I have been telling folks all day that I am in denial that it is September already, but what can I do about it? Nothing, really, except jump headlong into it. I got a chance this morning to talk to two friends of mine, one who was on his way to work in Little Falls, the other who was wating for a ride at a seminary library in South Africa. It made my day to talk to them both...again, just tiny things that happened during my morning, except that these two things really made a difference in my day.
I guess the others did too, if they stayed in my mind long enough to make it to my fingers and out onto the keyboard as I typed this...but again, I'm not really sure why. I got to talk to Terry through a couple text messages this past weekend, long enough to learn that he is in town for the week, and I am still hoping that I am going to get a chance to see him while he's around. Sounds like things are still going well, and that he continues to be a busy beaver also.
I still have the mission trip to South Dakota spinning in my mind, and have to smile when folks ask me how it was. More posts on that trip later, I wanted to make sure I posted one about today first. It feels like I have been gone for weeks - this is the first day I've been in the office since Friday the 22, not counting Sunday for a couple hours, when I managed to sleep through two alarms, wake up at 8:59, and still shower and make it to church by 9:25. Today felt both a bit subdued and rather bustling - it's quiet in the office today, and the rain and cloudiness outside seems to be adding to the somber mood of those in the office.
A devotion during staff meeting this morning caught my attention - parts of it that I have heard before, parts I have not. It read:
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.
It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.
It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.
It mill make or break a company, a church, a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for the day.
We cannot change our past, we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.
We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play the one string we have, and that is our attitude.
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
And so it is with you, we are in the charge of our "Attitude".
These are the words of Chuck Swindoll, a pastor and author. These words are so true, and hold so much power. Attitude really is everything, especially when we face changes, difficulties, or losses.
I am excited for what the coming days, weeks, and months will hold - and cannot wait to see what is in store.
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Friday, August 22, 2008
Free to fly - - -
I heard from Terry today for the first time since he left - and his excitement was contagious. Somehow, knowing how happy he is, how truly called he feels to be where he is at, and knowing that this truly was meant to be, somehow makes it easier to accept that he isn't around Grace anymore. Because - you can't be in two places at once...and Terry has to be in his rightful place as a bishop's assistant.
I just got done watching Shawshank Redemption and couldn't help but smile when Red was talking at the end of the movie, reflecting on how his friend Andy had gotten out - saying -
"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live is that much more drab and empty that they're gone.
I guess I just miss my friend."
Terry was a bright spot at Grace - and will be remembered for having been so. He wasn't "locked up" there, but simply on a part of his journey. He has now gone on to a new and amazing part of that journey, and I do rejoice for the joy of the call he has found. We are always going to miss those that have touched our lives - those we have gotten a chance to walk beside and learn from while we shared a part of our journey through life together. Those people never really do leave, because their influence and wisdom live on with us and guide us - and as we continue to follow and watch them as they continue on the new part of their lives, they are able to impart upon us more wisdom, new wisdom that they gain through growing and learning as they continue on their paths.
I look forward to hearing about the new things my friend will see and do as he grows in this new position - and can't wait to keep walking alongside...learning still.
I just got done watching Shawshank Redemption and couldn't help but smile when Red was talking at the end of the movie, reflecting on how his friend Andy had gotten out - saying -
"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live is that much more drab and empty that they're gone.
I guess I just miss my friend."
Terry was a bright spot at Grace - and will be remembered for having been so. He wasn't "locked up" there, but simply on a part of his journey. He has now gone on to a new and amazing part of that journey, and I do rejoice for the joy of the call he has found. We are always going to miss those that have touched our lives - those we have gotten a chance to walk beside and learn from while we shared a part of our journey through life together. Those people never really do leave, because their influence and wisdom live on with us and guide us - and as we continue to follow and watch them as they continue on the new part of their lives, they are able to impart upon us more wisdom, new wisdom that they gain through growing and learning as they continue on their paths.
I look forward to hearing about the new things my friend will see and do as he grows in this new position - and can't wait to keep walking alongside...learning still.
With Hope - - -
Yesterday I was reminded of just how often two very different feelings can exist at the same time. Yesterday was the first time it really seemed odd to have one less pastor around - I kept having people talk about the fact that Terry wouldn't be around for the school year, and just seeing all the spots that now only Steve's name and my name remain on some of the confirmation stuff, on letters, etc. But, at the same time, yesterday was one of the first days that it really seemed "normal" - as if I was being reminded that life still goes on even when pieces of it are changing or being taken out of the equation.
I was on my way back from the dentist this morning as I was musing over all of this - being excited about the fall, and a song popped into my head - one by Steven Curtis Chapman called "With Hope." The song refers more to losing a loved one, but it wasn't that I feel that way about the situation, it was the phrasing that made me think of it. The chorus is as follows:
And we can cry with hope,
we can say goodbye with hope,
cuz' we know our goodbye is not the end, no
and we can grieve with hope,
because we believe with hope,
there's a place where we'll see your face again.
It was the first line that caught my attention - "crying and grieving with hope." What an odd concept - I mean, we have heard the idea of happy tears, but this is not the same - it is seeing that yes, the situation at hand may be difficult, but that isn't all there is. There is more to it than that. These two feelings can exist together - because the feelings are for differen parts of the situation. It is never easy to have a friend or mentor be away from us after we are used to their presence, but I think often it is necessary for that to happen at times so we can grow from what we have learned from them.
My dentist just happens to be a member of my church, and he commented today that in the past, it was difficult as they watched other pastors come and go, ones they liked, and thinking it would be difficult to find another one that could live up to the one before. But, as so often happens, we are blessed with another wonderful person - and then get the chance to learn and grow from their presence as well. We grow, we change, we adapt, and then we grow some more. The training wheels eventually have to be taken off before we can learn to ride on just two wheels...
I was on my way back from the dentist this morning as I was musing over all of this - being excited about the fall, and a song popped into my head - one by Steven Curtis Chapman called "With Hope." The song refers more to losing a loved one, but it wasn't that I feel that way about the situation, it was the phrasing that made me think of it. The chorus is as follows:
And we can cry with hope,
we can say goodbye with hope,
cuz' we know our goodbye is not the end, no
and we can grieve with hope,
because we believe with hope,
there's a place where we'll see your face again.
It was the first line that caught my attention - "crying and grieving with hope." What an odd concept - I mean, we have heard the idea of happy tears, but this is not the same - it is seeing that yes, the situation at hand may be difficult, but that isn't all there is. There is more to it than that. These two feelings can exist together - because the feelings are for differen parts of the situation. It is never easy to have a friend or mentor be away from us after we are used to their presence, but I think often it is necessary for that to happen at times so we can grow from what we have learned from them.
My dentist just happens to be a member of my church, and he commented today that in the past, it was difficult as they watched other pastors come and go, ones they liked, and thinking it would be difficult to find another one that could live up to the one before. But, as so often happens, we are blessed with another wonderful person - and then get the chance to learn and grow from their presence as well. We grow, we change, we adapt, and then we grow some more. The training wheels eventually have to be taken off before we can learn to ride on just two wheels...
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
The Little Things - - -
When changes take place, it seems like it is most often the reminders of change that are more difficult to accept than the change itself. Reminders of things that no longer are - closed doors, missing names - all things that are constant reminders of what used to be.
So, how do we look at these things with a sense of the future also tucked in our minds? There is nothing wrong with feeling sadness or confusion during a period of transition, as long as we don't spend our time dwelling on the fact that things are never going to be the same, or that they won't be as good as they were, or that we won't be able to handle the new developments. Things won't be the same...after all, isn't that the meaning of change? We don't know what the future holds, but if we remember that we are not the ones who are in control (of much more than our attitudes toward what is happening), we are free to experience the things that happen around us. Reminding ourselves to be open to what is happening and to make the best out of situations that arise will help us better accept that God's hand is at work in all that is going on.
So, how do we look at these things with a sense of the future also tucked in our minds? There is nothing wrong with feeling sadness or confusion during a period of transition, as long as we don't spend our time dwelling on the fact that things are never going to be the same, or that they won't be as good as they were, or that we won't be able to handle the new developments. Things won't be the same...after all, isn't that the meaning of change? We don't know what the future holds, but if we remember that we are not the ones who are in control (of much more than our attitudes toward what is happening), we are free to experience the things that happen around us. Reminding ourselves to be open to what is happening and to make the best out of situations that arise will help us better accept that God's hand is at work in all that is going on.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Forging on ahead - - -
I had an interesting revelation today - spurred on by a first look at the beginning of the call process. Interesting that something I thought would cause pain to consider would be something that seemed to ease my mind - something that meant looking at the future. Believeing that Terry was supposed to accept the call he received means that we at Grace are being led to a new pastor and leader, and that one is being led to us...so simultaneoulsy, Grace is being called. I have to believe that Terry, in being called to be a bishop's assistant, was called to leave Grace. Now, this might seem like a ridiculously obvious statement, however, it didn't seem so obvious a couple of days ago. That isn't where the revelation ends though - by believing that Terry was called to leave Grace, that also means that someone else has been called to become a part of Grace, and to become our new pastor.
I think the reason that fact seems so hard to accept is because it feels like we are supposed to be "replacing" Terry - even when I know we are not. The new pastor that is called to Grace will be our new pastor, not a replacement pastor. Things will be different, and that is okay - and even good. Change is difficult, but necessary at times, and remembering that calling a new pastor means turning a page in Grace's history book and embracing what it means to go new directions with our ministry through God's will.
I wondered what it was going to feel like to walk back through the doors the first time knowing that Terry was no longer there. I had a conversation with him back when this process started three weeks ago about what it would be like for his kids during the year that he is away from them, and I remember making a comment about how they could see their new responsibilities as a way of helping their dad from a distance, by carrying on at home with things that needed to be done, and taking ownership in the process. That was sort of what I felt as I got to the church - like I had a legacy to carry on, duties to fulfill, and stepping up to take up the slack. I feel like I have a new charge.
Tomorrow is my first actual day back in the office - I have a lot to do to get ready for the school year.
A parting thought - Psalm 117.
Praise the Lord, all you nations;
extol him, all you peoples.
For great is his love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.
Praise the Lord.
I think the reason that fact seems so hard to accept is because it feels like we are supposed to be "replacing" Terry - even when I know we are not. The new pastor that is called to Grace will be our new pastor, not a replacement pastor. Things will be different, and that is okay - and even good. Change is difficult, but necessary at times, and remembering that calling a new pastor means turning a page in Grace's history book and embracing what it means to go new directions with our ministry through God's will.
I wondered what it was going to feel like to walk back through the doors the first time knowing that Terry was no longer there. I had a conversation with him back when this process started three weeks ago about what it would be like for his kids during the year that he is away from them, and I remember making a comment about how they could see their new responsibilities as a way of helping their dad from a distance, by carrying on at home with things that needed to be done, and taking ownership in the process. That was sort of what I felt as I got to the church - like I had a legacy to carry on, duties to fulfill, and stepping up to take up the slack. I feel like I have a new charge.
Tomorrow is my first actual day back in the office - I have a lot to do to get ready for the school year.
A parting thought - Psalm 117.
Praise the Lord, all you nations;
extol him, all you peoples.
For great is his love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.
Praise the Lord.
Go in peace, serve the Lord - - -
I'm scared. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't - but in that fear, there is also excitement.
I am five minutes into the first day working at Grace without Terry - and it doesn't seem real. I know in my head he's not there anymore, but it doesn't seem like any more than another vacation.
I spent a lot of time tonight having a conversation that I didn't expect to have - about what is going on in life right now - confusion, conflict, uncertainty - TRANSITION. I talked about what it means to have a natural balance upset.
I feel like there is a challenge set before me - I had to stop and smile when I heard Lisa say - it will be good to feel discomfort and difficulty as we go through change at Grace - because it makes us realize how important it is to work together as a team - and as a church family.
After all, stasis is not ministry. We have to periodically undergo change, even when change means that things might be very different and chaotic for a while.
God, into your hands we commend our spirits...
You are the potter...
We are your clay.
I am five minutes into the first day working at Grace without Terry - and it doesn't seem real. I know in my head he's not there anymore, but it doesn't seem like any more than another vacation.
I spent a lot of time tonight having a conversation that I didn't expect to have - about what is going on in life right now - confusion, conflict, uncertainty - TRANSITION. I talked about what it means to have a natural balance upset.
I feel like there is a challenge set before me - I had to stop and smile when I heard Lisa say - it will be good to feel discomfort and difficulty as we go through change at Grace - because it makes us realize how important it is to work together as a team - and as a church family.
After all, stasis is not ministry. We have to periodically undergo change, even when change means that things might be very different and chaotic for a while.
God, into your hands we commend our spirits...
You are the potter...
We are your clay.
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