Flow of Life

I was on facebook this morning, just like normal, poking around and skimming through the news feed learning about all of the important things going on in everyone's life. Well, mostly important. Or maybe not so important at all. :) Either way, it's entertaining.

I came across one status that read: 'Husbands and wives...be united and committed in every decision you make!' Sounds good, it seems like it would be a good idea to be on the same page when you're living life together. But, as is often the case, my mind likes to play with statements like that - especially when they come from certain folks, and place them in all sorts of different circumstances.

I should add a disclaimer that I am not married. I am dating someone - and we have made decisions together. I know it's not the same, so I am coming from a different reference point. So, read with a grain of salt.

I started playing the devil's advocate and thought, 'sure, it sounds good, but people, even spouses *gasp* are going to have differing opinions on some things, so every decision can't be united!' I know that's not even the point that was being made, but that's where my mind went. The status didn't say agree on everything, it said 'be united and committed.' It's a good thing - especially if there are kids involved. Not being united and committed in a decision is a great way to create animosity between parents and their kids - when one parent downplays a decision made by another in front of them. Not a good thing.

But then I was reading another facebook status that mentioned a pastor friend of mine who had written his sermon for the upcoming Sunday on Acts 5:1-16. The first 11 verses of that passage are about Ananias and Sapphira - a husband and wife that made a united and committed decision together - to lie to the apostles. The husband had sold a piece of land, and with his wife's knowledge, decided to tell a lie and use that lie to withhold some of the proceeds from the land. The thing is, he could have given or kept whatever proceeds from the land he wanted, but in order to, well, make himself look more generous I suppose, he and his wife decided to say that they had sold the land for a lesser price.

When confronted by Peter, who reminded him that the land and the money were at his disposal anyway, Ananias heard the words, fell down, and died. His lie had consumed him. Then, his wife later came in, and not knowing what had happened, kept up the same lie when she was asked about the land price. Peter had confronted her too - and she died just like her husband.

They had made a united decision and committed to it. This particular decision happened to be a destructive one. It's interesting how something that in practice should be such a good thing can be twisted and used for something harmful.

Fear seized the church. Fear often seized the church...and this is the first time the word 'church' is used to mean the fellowship of those who follow Jesus.

So, be united...commit...just make sure that you are willing to deal with the consequences that come if you are using your unity for less than honorable gain.

Blog titles, and then some.

What a strange night.

Sometimes, you just feel off. I dunno, I guess maybe it's because it was kind of an odd day yesterday and I didn't have a chance to properly sort it out with Logan being out of town. It's possible that has a lot to do with it.

It is strange for me sometimes when that happens, because I have this odd habit of having conversations in my head before I have them with the actual person. The strange thing is when I plan out the conversations, but don't actually have them, at least not the way I intended to. It's almost like mental lockup - I feel like I dealt with part of it, but not all of it and am just stuck in neutral in my head.

Even so, somehow, saying goodnight, getting not one but two goodnight hugs and kisses makes it better. Maybe just makes my mind quiet down a bit, I'm not sure. I think sometimes, it may even be better when I don't get to have all of the conversations I want to when I want to...because sometimes in the heat or intrigue of the moment, I might be tempted to take things and escalate them to a level that simply doesn't need to happen.

I had a sad conversation with a friend of mine who is going through a separation from their spouse at the moment...and couldn't even comprehend hearing the words he heard. What puts you in a place that makes you not even want to try? I guess I am fortunate to be in a place where that is foreign to me.

“Reconciliation is to understand both sides; to go to one side and describe the suffering being endured by the other side, and then go to the other side and describe the suffering being endured by the first side.”

One Way, or Another...

Today, was conflicting. Interestingly enough...not for me so much...but all kinds of things going on with everyone else. The day began innocently enough. We had breakfast at Perkins with the Youth Director crew. I knew the morning was going to be a little...interesting? First time talking to the couple since their engagement on Saturday. I dunno, I just thought it might be awkward. It wasn't so bad, and I got the truncated version of the engagement. It involved snowmen. Then, after a comment about 'being in my house and not seeing me,' we wrapped up breakfast and moved on. I spent the morning at work, and then decided to do lunch with a friend since Logan was out of town for work. Had no idea how exciting that would be. Turns out this particular friend had her own ideas about the engagement. That pretty much took up the entire lunch hour. Many, many different things.

Then, after lunch, I find out later on that another friend just moved out and separated from her husband. Just like that.

Then, I had a conversation and coffee with the friend who just got engaged. Some good conversation that helped to put things into perspective.

And then, I get told (in not so many words) that 'I used to be fat, but hey, how do you tell someone that...' Sheesh.

And the night ends with volleyball.

What a weird day.

My Wishlist of Cool things I've come across...

Part of the downfall of my random web surfing (Is it really a downfall? Maybe, maybe not...) is that I come across all kinds of random things all the time, some of which are quite intriguing. So, since I am terrible at coming up with gift wishlists for people, I thought I'd make it easy on myself and just make a running list of some of these things.

Silicone Muffin Cups - Reusable muffin 'papers!' and you don't even need a muffin pan.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000NBODLI/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_2?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=B000FPX4GC&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=07Z79TKY41S5BR67XXZ6

-or-

http://www.amazon.com/Wilton-Easy-Silicone-Baking-Count/dp/B000FPX4GC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=home-garden&qid=1268946738&sr=8-1

Anatomy for the Artist - Found this book at Barnes and Noble the other day - after paging through it, I thought it would be a really fun way to get back into sketching the human body.

http://www.amazon.com/Anatomy-Artist-Sarah-Simblet/dp/078948045X

Coffee Cup Power Converter - From our friends at ThinkGeek! - This is great - a power adapter that plugs into the cigarette lighter and powers up to three things at once. Best of all, it fits in your cup holder for easy access!!

http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/travelpower/b29e/

Interpreting the Gospels

I had Bible study this morning - with a group of pastors. It happens every week, and I try to make it when I can, because the discussions that happen are generally good ones, and I usually either learn something or gain some insight in one way or another. I confess, though, that on occasion, when a certain pastor comes, I will often choose not to go. :)

I don't know what it is, exactly, but it seems like when he's there, the discussion ends up being a lot of interesting ideas that get shot down by that pastor, because clearly, for one reason or another, it has nothing to do with whatever particular idea someone else has come up with because the original Greek isn't in the right tense or something like that. It's frustrating, and it often seems like I'm not the only one that feels that way. Today's particular topic at one point explored the idea of Jesus being the greatest (not an odd revelation), but this turned into a discussion that eventually led to, '...but was Jesus the greatest artist? Or the greatest carpenter? Because I've never seen a piece of artwork that was designed by him, or a piece of furniture that had his mark on it...' which was followed up by another pastor remarking jokingly, 'Jesus: King of kings, Lord of lords, and plumber of plumbers.' I had to grin. No, I've never seen a piece of Jesus' furniture either. But I'm pretty sure that when Jesus said, 'I've come to prepare a place for you', it didn't mean he was going to build the bed and the night stand. The same pastor also brought up a quote heard somewhere, that went something like, 'If we can't see creation happening, is God still creating? If we can't hear God creating, is creation still happening?' The answer is, of course, yes. His explanation was that our blindness often keeps us from seeing such things. Sometimes, this is true. However, it is just as true that sometimes things are happening that we are incapable of seeing with the naked eye - like blood running through the veins of a human body, or the water running and fish swimming underneath the ice of a frozen lake.

We did have an interesting discussion later on about the Psalms, and got around to talking about praying Psalm 88 with people that are struggling with pain and depression and losses of various sorts. You see, Psalm 88 doesn't resolve - there's not really a single happy thought in it. This made me think about two different things - 1) How often do we look for 'sitcom answers' in the scriptures, and in our prayers? Certainly there are times when we need to be told things will be okay eventually, but just as often, we need to know in our despair that we are not the only one that has ever felt this way. We hear all the time that God's timing is not like our own, and God does not work on our timetables. This means that there are going to be times when suffering is simply not going to go away for the time being. It isn't going to resolve in 30 minutes with hugs and 'I love you, Dad's' like in Full House. The pain might last...for the week...or the year.

Thank God we are not the ones responsible for our own salvation, and for the salvation of others. Thank God we are not the ones who have to judge our neighbors and decide if they are worthy of our forgiveness and trust. One thing that was said earlier today caught my attention so firmly that it has been rolling around in my mind since. This morning's text was from John 1 - Where John the Baptist speaks about Jesus being the Lamb of God. One of my own pastors had this to say in regards to John the Baptist's listeners: "Thank you John, now we see that you're not the one."

May we all be able to slide gracefully out of the way when the purpose for our lives has been completed, so that our followers can say the same of us...

"Thank you Jen, now we see that you're not the one." :)

What I Really Want To Say

The title for this particular post is also the title of a song by a singer named Steven Curtis Chapman. I've had his CD playing in my car for a few days now, and on my way home tonight from Logan's, it came on again. It seemed appropriate, but for another reason as well - I had a conversation with him earlier in the evening about a friend of mine who is separating from his wife in just a couple of days.

My heart hurts for him. He's normally a jokester, happy go lucky, nothing seems to get him down kind of guy. He's always got a smile on his face. Not so now. For about the past week and a half...he found out right before Christmas.

I don't know the story. I don't know what had been going on before (the news hit me like a train). I don't know the sides, other than the simple explanation that it's happening. And I struggle to understand - because I know the feelings I have for Logan - and it is next to impossible for me to imagine something like that happening.

I should preface what I am about to write by saying that I am not naive enough to believe that we won't ever fight. I am not naive enough to believe we will never have any problems. But, what I will say, is that I want to remember what it feels like now - so that someday when I do have those problems, I can come back to this and remember not only how lucky I am, but also how much I have to lose if I let petty things get in the way of love and compassion for another.

All I have to do is look in Logan's eyes, and I can't imagine a reason I'd ever want to do anything that would hurt him. I hear all the time this idea of 'young love,' and I sincerely hope that I am one of the lucky ones that is able to keep the spice and newness and awe of my relationship now even 20 and 40 years of marriage later. I love him, more than I can say, more than I can show. I want nothing more than to be with him, to help him if he falls, to do what I can to build him up. He has taught me and shown me so much about what it means to be in love and to share your life with another person, and his constant, unchanging love for me makes me love him back. I can't do anything else. It is impossible not to love him.

So, remember this, Jen. Remember this when you think you've forgotten it.

What I Really Want to Say - Steven Curtis Chapman

I say I love you, I say I need you
I try so many ways to say how my heart beats for you
I say I'm always thinking about you
There's no way I'd want to face this life without you
And even though these words come from deep inside me
There's so much more I don't have the words to say

'Cause what I really want to say
Is what the sun would say to the sky
For giving it a place to come alive
But my words get in the way
Of what I really want to say
Oh, what I really want to say

I know that sometimes my words can be as hard as stone
And sometimes my words have left you feeling so alone
So please forgive me and hear the words I'm saying now
I will spend my whole life looking for a way somehow
To let you know just how precious you are to me
I'll use the best words I know but I still won't say it all

It's like a tale too great to be told
It's something that my heart can only show
I'm gonna take my whole life
Just to let you know
What I really want to say
Oh, what I really want to say to you
What I really want to say
Oh, what I really want to say

The Answer My Friend, Is Blowing In The Wind...

It's 2011. Just barely two hours old. And so far, it's been wonderful.

I know the whole thing won't be wonderful. And I think I'm prepared for that. I've got some pretty amazing people that will make sure that the parts that aren't wonderful, are - at very least - survivable.

That's part of why this year has been so great already. I was spending it with some of those folks. My boyfriend's family - my other family - people that I feel blessed even to know. People I love, who love me, who take care of me. And my wonderful, sweet, caring, almost unbelievable boyfriend to top it all off...it really is more than I could ever ask for. For this reason, I am blessed.

I came home tonight smiling, and after messaging Logan, got ready for bed. Upon coming back upstairs, I find a message on my phone asking if I made it home alright. The message I sent hadn't gone through...not uncommon. I resent the message, and another, and after another moment, I get another buzz from him wondering where I am. So, after calling him and letting him know I'm safe at home, I hang up the phone smiling. It seems so simple, but it is so wonderful...having someone that cares enough about you that they're on the phone calling as soon as it's been a reasonable time for you to have arrived. It's something I don't want to take for granted, because it's another reminder of how good things are...and how happy I am.

It's been a busy year - how different than normal I guess I can't really say - but many things happened. I started out the year by taking a trip to the North Shore, and exploring so many beautiful places. I then found out I have food allergies, and after a drastic diet change and several months, not only learned how much better I could feel, I also lost 30 pounds, and can look in the mirror for the first time in a long time and really like what I see. I started running, and ran not only my first official race (a 6k in Minneapolis), but several others, and am slowly working up to being able to run (hopefully) a marathon this year. I went to Washington state for the first time, and not only got to go on a great vacation with my boyfriend and his sister and kids, but also got to see my college friend Brendan for the first time in something like four years. I competed in a triathlon with Logan and did the bike and run portions, and he swam. We did great. I had a bit of a falling out with a friend for a while, and struggled for a good part of the second half of the year letting that go - and finding new ground to build that relationship back together on. It's still a process. :) It's one of my goals for this year - to really finally let that all go. I went on a canoe trip with a group of kids this summer, and learned how much I can learn just by hanging out with a group of people for a week. I went camping with Logan's sister's family, and started learning how to run barefoot (and got my first pair of Five Fingers!). I also injured my foot, and after working up to 8 miles of running in one shot, had to stop for over a month to let it heal, and also had my first experience with a chiropractor - who fixed my foot. My grandpa got very ill and passed away within the space of a couple weeks - and I experienced losing a close family member for the first time. I celebrated two years since I started dating the man I love more than I knew I could love another person (and I read for the umteenth time the letter he wrote me for our anniversary... I think I read it at least a few times a week). The last few months have gone by so fast they seem like a blur...and it seems unreal even as I type this stuff out that so much has happened. Add on top of all of that the fact that I have now been at my job and lived in Fairmont for something like four and a half years. Crazy.

I lay here in bed listening to the wind howl, still smiling - there's something wonderful about being under blankets and listening to a reminder of how cold it is outside...and how nice it is inside. It's comforting, in a way. I've always liked being able to hear the wind against the windows or the roof. I think it's just a reminder of powers that I can't control, and can only be amazed by. I'm okay with that.

I wanted to remember these things as I embark upon a new journey - a new year - another year in my life. I also wanted to jot down, in a place I can't lose - some thoughts and goals for the upcoming year...

1) Get ready for, and run, my first marathon.

2) Learn to let go of something I can't control anyway.

3) Make an honest attempt at getting back into some of the other forms of art I used to be active in - mostly drawing. And do more photography.

4) Be more intentional about, and improve, my guitar skills.

5) Possibly convince a certain guy to propose to me... ;)

6) Read the Bible EVERY day. Even if it's only a little bit sometimes.

If I think of other things - I will add them. I'd also like to try to do something I've been meaning to do for a long time - which is really get into the habit of writing in my blog more, if for no other reason than to remember things and jot down thoughts and ideas I have. It's always good for me when I take the time to do it.

Life is...good. Sometimes life just is. There are always reminders, whether in our own lives or in others - that bring us back down from our mountain top experiences and make us step back and look at obstacles we face that force us back to the valleys at times. We'll always have those. And we'll make it through them.

God bless us and keep us, God make is face shine on us and be gracious to us...God look upon us with favor, and grant us peace - today and always.